teresa

The itching is back with a vengeance and there isn’t enough Gold Bond in this house to soothe it.  Actually there is no Gold Bond.  After exhaustive internet research the last time this surfaced I read that those soothing lotions can actually make it worse.  Although its so uncomfortable right now that worse later almost seems worth it for better right now.  I have a plan though.  Work out more.  Work less.  Change razors.  Might get a pedicure although I am too embarrassed to have anyone see my bumpy red legs.  I think a massage would be good too although same problem as the pedicure.  And I guess wash the sheets while I am at it.  However as much as I would like to believe it to be an environmental issues I am pretty certain it is stress.  In fact I think I might have developed a second symptom, clenching my teeth…  Oh man.

I do have one other plan for this week.  I am going to try doing just one thing at a time.  In the past I have prided myself on maximum efficiency.  If I was to take out the trash I would also take anything down that needed to go the car and run to the mail too.  If my computer is slow to open a program or save a file I hop over to my email or maybe open up another file to do something else real quick while the other program loads.  Well all this has gone to far.  I have mastered never really focusing on anything.  And at the end of the day when I do my time sheet while I know I got several things done separating out the hours is difficult.  Actually I am testing a program for a friend’s husband that helps people who bill out by hour, like lawyers, track their time by tracking their computer usage by file name.  My log is ridiculous.  There are seconds here and then there, email then drafting program then excel file.  Sorting it all into projects was a 20 minute task, I know because the program told me so.

So today I thought of everything I did as a project.  When I woke up I told myself it was about Project Breakfast.  However I suddenly found myself walking around the house picking things up, putting things away, so I told myself to instead complete Project Clean Up so my mind could focus on the next project.  Then Project Breakfast commenced.  This included tea.  I sat on the opposite side the table from my computer rather than my standard read an email, take a bite breakfast routine.    I worked on one Project Project, work Project, for several hours.  Took one break for Project UnNumb My Bum.  That’s right.  We have been working at our dining room table for months in solid wood chairs.  Elliott has been complaining for weeks about it.  Although it finally caught up with me this week.  My rear end literally feels numb when I get up after a few hours.  So I walked to Starbucks for Project Relax.  Drank a chai tea and read some of my new book about CEO Tools.  Then I decided to do a project on the way home, Project Personal.  I stopped by Barnes & Noble and picked up two things I have been day dreaming about, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Audio and Slow Death by Rubber Duck.

And I worked on what is one of my major projects, Project Bikini.  I am 1 week into a running program.  I have a half marathon in my sights.  And then a full marathon after that!   However for now its one day at a time.  Plus I think this project as I mentioned assists with Project No Itching, have to find a positive way to phrase that.  And when Elliott gets back I am going to work on Project Love.  One of my definite goals is to have deep and meaningful  relationships.  I keep to myself and don’t connect often with many people.  And I think I am going to start by focusing on relationship #1.  Not sure exactly what the actions will be for this project, although I believe complete and undivided attention will help.

Here’s to the sequel being the final in this series.

I normally pride myself on being cool, calm and collected at least on the outside.  I think I have gotten that down so much that it has almost gone too far.  Although that’s how I have decided to cope in the business world, fake it till you make it.  Not that I fake it to the point of being irresponsible although I do put on a front of organized and collected when I may not exactly feel that way.

Lately though my stress has in my opinion begun to manifest itself on my physical form.  I have had for quite a while an eye twitch that seems to come and go with stress, eyelid twitch to be exact.  Although recently I have developed an itch for stress.  That is I have areas on my skin that are dry and itchy.  Now it may very well be something else, bed bugs, diet, some skin disease, who knows although I think it is largely attributed to stress.  It started right before we were laid off and recently has gotten worse.  It is embarrassing, which is why I am mentioning it here, some how it makes me feel better to be honest and air this embarrassing fact in this very public forum without actually having to hear or see someone’s reaction to my deformity.  The other day I swear I barely scratched but I managed to take off a little chunk of skin on my shin and cause a scab.   I think the worst part is on my shins although I have other spots of it too.

Fortunately I do not have it on my face.  Although I have found myself sneaking a scratch of an armpit during a meeting and this is certainly not in line with my preferred outward appearance.  I thought it would go away.  And until the scab it was not really outwardly noticeable, minus the need to scratch every now and then.

Now I am resolved to do something.  Until now I was not motivated enough to give up my hot-hot showers although reading on-line I think that is one thing I can do that might help.  Also I have never been much a fan of lotion although I am lathering up after my shower as well.  I will also work to drink more water.  I think however I will draw the line at buying a humidifier.  Oh, and I think at this point I am also going to go see a doctor.   Anyway, I had an itch to get this of my chest and out in the open.

Elliott and I have been to Key West and back.  We had a wonderful trip.  We flew from Oakland to Ft Lauderdale and stayed  in South Beach Miami for one night.  We stayed in really cute place.  Its thing was being super simple with a hint of fun, kind of like me!  Most of the furnishings were white with a fun lamp and one red pillow.  We had dinner somewhere along a popular pedestrian street area, Lincoln Road, and walked around and soaked in the sights.  I didn’t quite get the same feel for Miami as I had in my mind from watching Burn Notice, skinny half naked people everywhere, which was fine with me.

The next day we took our time getting to Key West.  Its about a 170 mile drive although takes almost 4 hours because its a bit of a slow drive with one lane and lots of traffic.  We wanted to see Miami and drive along the coast so we took the long way out of Miami and I think with a stop for lunch the drive took 5 hours.  We rented a convertible for the drive down, we are unemployed but come on how often do you get to drive down to Key West so we splurged (although only one way on the way back we reserved a regular car which turned out to be a convertible with a broken top!).

It was hot with the sun on us although still so fun.  We blared salsa music and had a great time.  We had lunch at a perfect place in Key Largo called Eco Eats, totally our style (at least Elliott got to wear his Burning Man shades again!).

We realized on the way down that we really had no idea what this vacation was going to be about.  We had been telling people for months that we were going to “Key West” although we didn’t really know what that meant.  We didn’t know what it was going to be like, what we were going to do or really anything.  And we were ok with that.  We were going to meet Jay and Katie (pictured below) there who had lived there about 10 years ago and we were ready for fun and sun and anything else.

When we arrived we decided to go to the store so we had a few things for breakfast, as well beer, coffee, and a few snacks.  Jay and Katie weren’t set to arrive for several hours so we had some time.  Key West is not a place that it is fun to drive, at least not a car.  There are lots of pedestrians, scooters and bicycles that sort of follow the rules of the road so its a little sketchy driving.  We went to the store, brought the stuff back to condo and relaxed a few before returning the car.   The place we stayed was a two bedroom one bath condo near the Truman Annex, pretty close to the main action on Duval St.

When we dropped off the car our taxi back was a pile in the taxi with other people going the same general direct as you.  I thought that was an interesting idea, sustainable and efficient.

We then used yelp to find a place for dinner.  We at The Cafe the closest thing to Pneumatic Diner (one of our fav vegan type places in Reno) we had been to in a long time.

Then we went home to have a few beers to pass the time.  When Jay and Katie arrived they were hungry so we decided to go out after finishing off the rest of the beer.  If you can guess Key West turns out to be quite a party town.  We went to a few places and Jay and Katie reminisced about the place they met and fell in love (and partied) so many years ago.  My favorite moment of that night was on the patio at The Whistle.  The 2nd story that cantilevers out over the busy sidewalk.  A place that literally inspires you to Whistle at the people below and see if they look.  When that didn’t work I considered pouring beer on the people below which my friends and husband successfully suggested I not do.  Although later as we were leaving I walked under the overhang head back with mouth open looking for someone else as ornery as me although found none.

The next several days all blur together.  I can tell you we did lots of walking, eating and sweating – dang it was hot and humid there.  We went to the ocean a few times.  Jet skied around the island (25 miles) which was a blast.  Of course when Elliott was driving I was frustrated and when I was driving Elliott was beyond frustrated, not my fault I got the choppy part!  Although all in all that was a lot of fun and I would love to do that again some time.  We did the touristy stuff, went to the Southern Most point, and walked by Ernest Hemingway’s House.  Ate at Sloppy Joes and went to the locals bar the Green Parot.  Got stuck in a rain storm a long way from the condo so we stopped for a beer to wait for it to pass.  Ate Key Lime pie.

Our trip was not absent of a to be expected (unfortunately) gigantic fight after margaritas which Elliott ginxed me on because he knows I am even ornerier after tequila.  There was yelling, door slams and I left and sat in the parking lot (hiding), cried, felt bad for myself, mad at Elliott and tried to sober up so I could ultimately what seemed right at the time leave the island the next day prior to our scheduled departure.  I eventually returned to the condo and slept on the couch.  When we finally talked the next day I cried a lot (the last few months have been just a little stressful is my excuse) and eventually came to an understanding and forgiveness.  I can tell  you through this episode I came to understand something new about Elliott that I never known before, I don’t think he learned any thing about me right then although we both did later after I had a chance to process it all.  This is all intentionally pretty vague because its personal although you get the idea, drinking, vacation with another couple, hot, sweaty, unemployed and yet spending money, one bathroom (for 4 people) and tequila.  The day we spent “working things out” Jay and Katie went on a sailing trip that would have been really cool for us with snorkeling and kayaking although ultimately our day was spent on something much more important.

Back to happy stuff, Elliott got a cool new hat, wore it a lot including during this lunch out to have Cuban sandwiches.

For awhile I thought I should not drink again the rest of the trip although that eventually turned into not drinking tequila again the rest of the trip.  We did have one more epic party night out which included another couple, locals, Jay and Katie had worked with the guy years ago.  We had sushi, sake bombs (can finally cross that off the list), played quarters before we went out (with shots of beer so not that dangerous), and we went to several bars “on the way home”.  I remember line dancing, a bull that was luckily not working because the girls go topless (I don’t think I could be drunk enough to think that was a good idea anyway although better off all the way around), and one place where there was a private 2nd floor mezzanine area that I was intent on gaining access to although never did.  Oh I also require a blow up doll part of a bachelor party.  I remember the local guy said several times he didn’t think he would be able to go to different bars because he had been kicked out of them, being a local would be rough I think.  Ultimately I had a great time, I made it home with my purse, my top and my husband, life is good.

We did lots of shopping although bought little, except Elliott did buy 5 finger shoes, I am mad at him because I really want a pair too although knew we both shouldn’t get a pair.  We saw some cool art, my favorite was these wire sculptures that created amazing shadows on a canvas, too cool.  And we bought a $1 art creation from a guy on the street outside of Hemingways house who then asked where we were from and gave us a baseball card with a tie to our area, he was my random stumble on find that you can’t plan for in travel books.

Our last night because we had picked up the rental car so we went up a key or two about 10 miles to a non touristy seafood place and had a great dinner.  A great idea, it was great to get off Duval, to have a nice big dinner and to see something new.

Overall it was a great time and I think I have shared enough pics and personal stories for one night.

Out trip back was a long day.  Started at 10am Key West time and we got home to our house at 1am Pleasanton time (4am Key West time) that included a drive back to Ft Lauderdale, and 2 delayed flights.  We were exhausted.

The next day I had my monthly “therapy session” an executive leadership group that turned out to be just that for this meeting.  We had a psychologist talk about beliefs and changing harmful beliefs (sometimes called self limiting beliefs) to change your life for the better.  In an already fragile state I stumbled on something I had never put my finger on.  That is I don’t let many people in.  I knew that already although I never realized what stress it puts on my relationships and my life.  After some brainstorming the speaker put these words to it, my old belief: If I am vulnerable I will be hurt.  Everyone in the group uncovered very personal and moving self limiting beliefs and then we all meditated rewriting that belief to something more positive.  My new belief is: It is safe to be vulnerable.  Vulnerable means a lot of things to me, in many cases it means sharing my feelings, having really close friends, taking help and guidance from others, and lots of other similar and parallel things in my life.  And ultimately I think in the past I chose to either not let people in, or when I did let them in I was subconsciously sitting around waiting for them to hurt me, which I think led to my Key West breakdown.  Anyway I have rewritten my belief and as part of being vulnerable have shared this very personal story from Key West and my self limiting belief with my friends and family who take the time to follow this blog.  I am opening myself up to you all, vulnerable and I trust that I am still safe.

I have this idea for a book although who knows if I will ever get to it so I am going to capture the jest in a blog.  The concept is a story written as a dramatic tragedy although it turns out really to be a comedy.  The undertone which I hope will not be missed is the necessary humor and the strength behind choosing to laugh at your circumstances rather then cry.  The story is of two yuppies with dual incomes and no kids (if you are not familiar with this saying the acronym is DINK).  They have a house, maid, they enjoy a good micro brew, and they enjoy a great meal out on fairly a regular basis.   Life is good on all counts.  They make good money.  Save a good deal in 401k’s and IRAs and manage to spend the rest.  Not on anything really glamorous or outrageous.  They aren’t really into toys like jet skies, art or personal care products.  They do have their perceived necessaries, decent mountain and road bikes, camping equipment, a good computer, you get the idea.  They have a fair number of shoes and bags, mostly the hiking variety.  They live in a nice apartment, not the cheapest available although very modest as far as square footage goes.  They give to charities, are supportive alums, and would not blink at the opportunity to buy a round of drinks for friends.  They work long hours, for the most part are fulfilled at their jobs, and work to enjoy life on the weekends with road trips and outdoor activities.

Eventually, as it tends to, the economy slowed.  And at least subconsciously they realized their employment and steady incomes were perhaps not as steady as they once thought.  They slowly peeled off layers of excess in their life.  They sold one of their cars.  They cut back on the eating out.  They moved to a cheaper apartment.  They didn’t renew the maid when they moved, although they thought of that as just temporary.  Then the day after the husband’s 28th birthday they were both laid off from their jobs.  I forgot to mentioned they worked together at the same company.

This change meant a reduction to their income to about 30% of their highest.  When I say income I mean newly found unemployment income.  Unemployment was something that neither of these yuppies had yet come to understand.  Consider it snobbery although for the most part the types of people they knew that were unemployed if they had ever known any were the types of people who were freeloading off of the system.  It wasn’t until just recently that they had begun to see truly great people around them become unemployed and now they had gone from DINK to NINK, no income (basically) with fortunately still no kids.  I say fortunately as this story might have been truly sad with a child to feed, cloth and care for.

They found that the changes they had already made had helped a great deal although it wouldn’t be enough.  They realized it was funny to feel bad for two people who would have to give up their maid and micro brews, and in fact they didn’t feel bad for themselves.  They felt thankful that the things they needed to cut out weren’t what brought them joy it was only how they filled their time.  The first month they cut out even more of the luxuries of their past although at the end of the month they knew the would have to do more to have a sustainable future.  They found that while living the new changes they began to say things that would no longer sound like words from the people they used to be.  They reflected on the humor in these statements often.

A few of their favorites, which were spoken mostly by the husband were:

After dropping a piece of food in the kitchen, “darn I just mopped this floor”.  – These are two people who for better or worse hadn’t owned a mop in at least 4 years.
Or in the mid afternoon, the husband secrectly sniffed his shirt and then asked, “did I shower yesterday?” – He knew the answer to did I shower today.
And then after one afternoon, “do you want to go thrift store shopping today”, and they didn’t mean for burning man costumes.
Lastly after reviewing how much they had spent the last month on gas, they said, “lets drive no faster than 65 on the freeway to see if we use less gas” – this may or may not be a good idea with the crazy California drivers.

The most amazing thing is these efforts provide entertainment, a new challenge, and a deep feeling of reward.

I hear stories of peoples who’s grandparents save foil to reuse it, these are people who learned these necessities during the Great Depression.  I only hope Elliott and I can be that seemingly crazy couple, who use only what we need and yet revel in the abundance in our life.

I guess the story is more of a romantic comedy, and I think the ending is going to be of the feel good variety.

Recently at a Vistage meeting one of my fellow members rather passionately shared with me his views of what my next steps should be as a free agent.  I later commented to another gal that I felt like his energy was a little much and I wondered what had inspired such passion.   She shared with me that I hadn’t shown much emotion with the group regarding my personal and professional situation so perhaps lacking that sense from me he was working to inspire.  I don’t know if I have always been this way or I learned it somewhere along the way although I do tend to be pretty even in my emotional response.  Although I shared with my group that I had experienced a moment of high emotion so that they not consider me completely broken.  Looking back on it I think this was one of the funniest moments of our last days.  I think it was Thursday, our last day.  The office was a disaster area.  Picture a 10′x10′ pile of trash and an equally large area of paper recycling with another pile of stuff that we thought was of value to the company.  I was working to finish a project which I had already determined I was doing for my own ego and reputation not necessarily to make the company look good.

In the middle of this the Simpson Strong Tie rep walks in to share information about a new product.  Having my office with direct line of site to the door I received nearly all of these interruptions.  He asked for Elliott.  I shared with him that today was our last day and that it was probably best to get in contact with the Reno office.  He was apologetic and I replied with some standard response such as, “it is what it is.”  I went back to my desk and picked up the phone to complain about something to Elliott which was often standard at least when we were alone in the office.  In the middle of my rant to Elliott the rep returns to the office.  I turn around in my chair and look at him like, really… we are not going to buy, spec or care about your product right now, I told you it was our last day.  Phone still to my ear I said, “what?”  After no response from the rep, I got out of my chair, walked toward him and repeated, “what… (after no response)…WHAT?”  The friendly sales rep looked a little shocked and eventually said, “I just wanted to let you know I was just at another structural engineers office and they said they were hiring, I thought I would let you know.”  I said well they wouldn’t want me they would want Elliott, who then appeared from his office to help calm the situation.  I did eventually apologize sincerely and explained I was having a bit of bad day and I was embarrassed to have snapped at him.  He seemed to understand.

I think the phone conversation in between the reps appearances was another moment of near disaster.  Elliott intercepted a phone call, while I was on the phone, from the fire sprinkler contractor requesting backgrounds.   Elliott sent me an email to send backgrounds to the guy.  A few minutes later I get an email from Jeri (a drafter in the Reno office), who had been forwarded this very email from Pete (boss) saying Jeri check with Teresa to see if she has this handled.  After a few seconds of general confusion and mounting anger I realize Pete was now receiving a copy of all of my emails and appears to be micromanaging my efforts to complete a project on my last day.  I swear to Elliott that if this is how he wants to treat me I will, like the rest of his recently departed staff, leave right now and let him pick the pieces up if he feels it necessary to micromanage me, who does he think he is, and more importantly does he not trust me.  So I fired off an email to Jeri explaining I would be handling the project through that day and after that she should take direction from Pete, I copied Pete and asked him to explain if he thought we had agreed otherwise.  I then sent an email to Pete saying something to the effect of what you are now getting my emails?  Turns out he had no idea he was getting my emails, his recently departed IT guy set this up before leaving, so in his own general confusion he sent what he thought was an email to him to Jeri to delegate a task that he couldn’t have completed.  I eventually calmed down after both incidences although realized how easy poor communication can escalate when you are harboring anger and sadness that you haven’t yet dealt with.  I think these experiences about had me covered for the anger phase.

I later for only a split moment put myself in the sadness phase.  Driving to Reno the weekend right after our last day I decided to channel my mom’s style of anger and sadness management and play a few songs to capture the mood.  I had previously heard a song which I laughed out loud when I listened to the lyrics.  It was about a relationship,  it seemed to perfectly capture the idea of what Elliott and I were saying goodbye to, unfortunately for the life of me I can’t remember the name or lyrics from that song that came to us on the radio.  I did however explore the Garth Brooks version of our situation.  I have always remembered mom after the divorce with our dad would play a few songs over and over and over again.  Two of the common songs were The River and The Dance.  The Dance is about would you dance the dance again if you knew how it would turn out.  And The River is can you continue to get back into the river even though you don’t know for sure where you are headed.  The Dance is more retrospective, and The River is really to me about dusting yourself off and keeping going.  I started to cry when I played these songs and in normal fashion didn’t want Elliott to see me.  I am not sure if it was the memory of my mom’s sadness and pain, or the realization of my own, or perhaps both.  Although I think these songs are perfect for how I feel.  Given what I know now I absolutely would dance again for those seven years.  And I am repairing my life jacket and plan to be back in the river soon.

I believe if Ingrid Michaelson was around back in those days mom might have played Starting Now over and over again.  I particularly enjoy this modern day, pop version of relationship drama.  I think the way the music builds to her angry rant is brilliant.  I feel it in my bones.  I listened to this song before this change in our life and I will listen to it after, mostly as a silly reminder of how not to feel about any time in my life.  I think its funny that my boss used to joke (maybe a half joke as Elliott often says) about people who quit the company were dead to him, and then  he essentially earned the same feeling from us.  Although that’s a bit dramatic don’t you think Ingrid?  I think I can honestly say no hard feelings, although those are all just words, the lyrics, the beats capture it so much better.

What songs define the major crossroads in your life?