teresa

Well it has been quite an entertaining week and half discussing my funk with family, friends, and anyone in the general public who would listen.  I will share with you here some of the ideas and suggestions I have received so far.  And as of yet I haven’t discussed it with Kathi, the first to reach out to try to break down my funk.  Sorry Kathi.  I wanted to call you tonight before my summary blog so I could compile everyone’s opinion.  Now we can discuss it given this new information!

My wonderful mom called and I discussed it with her.  I have to say I have the best mom in the world.  The best thing about my mom is she always has my back.  No matter what it is she is there for me with love, support and ideas.  It means a lot to know you always have your mom.  Mom and I talked about it at length at the height of my funk.  I don’t think I even had a chance to list all of the reasons why I deserved to be depressed and demotivated.  The number one take away I took from talking with mom was 1) don’t make any drastic decisions and 2) look to get involved in other things in the community, volunteer or whatever to fulfill my needs in other ways.

Then I think I talked with Krista.  I felt awful talking to Krista about my funk given that her new husband is fighting for our country in Afghanistan, so I get it my problems are relatively small.  One of things that has been bothering me is if Elliott and I ever did decide to start a family it is seemingly impossible. From a time perspective it seems impossible, I am guessing a baby is slightly more work than a potty trained 2 year old black lab mix who sleeps all day and can be left alone for 4 hours in his kennel.  And then financially it seems we will never be in a comfortable place to have a baby, especially now when we are making basically 1/2 of what we used to.  I know I used the word “never” because these are great funk words if you really want to keep yourself down and in the dumps.  Anyway Krista has her own baby making limitations right now given the other half of the equation isn’t in this country and she was pretty casual about the whole thing, so I figured, whatever, we aren’t ready right now and if or when we are we will figure it out, no need fabricated problems to worry about, so I let that one go for the time being.

Then I talked to Holly and a guy who “sells toilet paper for a living”  Dave who may or may not remember to read my blog after I shared it with him at a commercial real estate mixer.  Holly suggested reading the book Mojo, which I have since ordered.  She said the jest of it is to write down your goals and then look at how you spend your time and commit to either 1) remove those things not supporting your goals from your day, 2) delegate those things, or 3) realize that those things are necessary to get to your goal and suck it up.  When I asked her what her goals were she said she didn’t really follow that part but the rest helped her get out of her funk.  I actually have spent some time thinking about my goals, with my over arching mission being Fulfilled & Balanced and I have broken that down into several parts so this talk reminded me that perhaps I should refocus on what I want and driving towards that, this reminder really helped.  Dave and I talked at length about my funk, he heard a similar schpeel as mom did every reason in the book for my funk.  Dave I think was in the camp of make a big change, follow your gut, what do you what you think will make you happy, what do you have to lose.  My kind of guy, at least someone agrees with my idea of giving up everything and becoming a… fill in the blank… this week I think it is teacher.  The reason I spilled my guts to Dave was because he told me he was living the dream at which point I think I put my hands my hips and said dream huh, I would love to know what that is because I am in a funk.  Anyway Dave used to be in the Afghanistan and Iraq being shot at and now he has a good paying job, that sounds pretty low stress, and he lives in SF which he claims is one of the greatest places in the world, I don’t know I think Oakland is pretty cool, and he said he is happy.

Then…. I had lunch with Heidi, the president and owner of a law firm I know from one of the groups I am in.  She recommended another book: When Work Doesn’t Work Anymore which I also ordered and we talked about why women define themselves by their work.  She also said though that in order to run a business it is imperative to love what you do and so she thought it was important to be mindful of these signs.  She was also in the camp of not making any rash decisions and she also shared with me the name of her psychiatrist in case I wanted to talk to someone.     Now I fully hope no one is being judgmental at this moment, are you?  Are you?  Don’t do it.  Being a business owner with your husband is a really lonely place and its easy to get lost in your head with the stress, fears, doubts and uncertainties, so this is an outlet that I may consider, but for now I am just sitting on her contact info.

Jen and I also talked about funks, and I mostly got to tell my bursting in public tears story which felt good because I hadn’t got to tell anyone yet about how or why this happened.  She is in a funk too, so it was really helpful to know that many other people are going through a rough patch now, I think its something in the air, the economy has been tough on a lot of people, there are not many jobs out there so I think there is this feeling among a lot of people of being stuck in your current job and I think this leads to funks.

Lastly I had some email correspondence with one of my old bosses, Chris.  Chris emailed me on a whim for nothing special and he said the age old email closer, “Hope all is well with you”.  I use that one a lot too.  Well I couldn’t in my heart of hearts write back “Everything’s great, hope everything is great with you too”.  So as I have been doing in the last week and a half I said things are ok, in a bit of a funk but working on it.  So Chris and I had some email correspondence, because he is the kind of guy that didn’t just let that go.  Chris also recommended that I get my priorities straight.  He shared with me his: “1) God 2) wife 3) kids 4) other relationships … work is mixed in somewhere later with all the other stuff”.  Oh I didn’t mention that Krista also hinted that she has been working on going to church and getting confirmed and she said that going to church has helped her a lot.  Well I feel so bad because I know this is a sore spot for any family or friends who know that my religious status is agnostic which I continually have to explain doesn’t mean I am an atheist like someone I know but I am just not sure what, who, or how we all got here.  And given Chris’ priority list I can’t help but wonder how he balances this.  If God is #1 how do you work for 8+ hours a day designing buildings?  Shouldn’t he work for a church or be on a mission or something?  I think this is where I get confused how do you balance these priorities and goals and things?  How does how you spend a majority of your day not fall into #1, 2 or 3?  Well anyway I haven’t figured this out yet but am hoping one of the books I ordered will shed some light on the topic.  What I did decide was I can’t afford to let work get me down in every other aspect of my life.  So I am genuinely better today.  Not cured.  But on my way towards better days.  And funny Elliott has now stepped up as the grumpous.  We often joke that if both of are ever in a good mood at the same time the world may end.  Not sure what it is but we seem to balance each other out for good or bad.

Ok so here is my question to my blog friends who may have skipped their way through to this point or may have actually read all of my long winded craziness.  What is your priority list?  And if you want to expand on that does it match how you spend your resources?  Elliott and I will be working on this as well.

I hate naming it but I am going to say it out loud, I am in a funk.  Just saying makes me feel a little better.  This happens ever so often. I am not quite sure the frequency, although its probably every 4 or so years.  This one has been particularly bad although I think I have thought that about the other ones as well.  In the past I have responded by shaking things up.  Maybe resigning from a few of my extracurriculars or hitting the reset button wherever I can.

I wish I could name why the slumps happen.  Although given the recent changes in our lives I suppose its not entirely surprising that I am not perfectly peachy.  I heard a presentation recently on change and the speaker called the average change experience a J curve.  Where you start at the left end of the J and then you go down hill learning and adjusting to this new thing before you break thru to the power and wonder of the new thing on the upper end of the J.  I can only hope I am at the bottom of the trough.

This slump most recently culminated in a crying spree that was unfortunately witnessed by my husband, mom, dad and oldest sister.  One of my finer moments  Unfortunately that was weeks ago and I have since made no progress at improving the situation.  Yesterday my first attempt at change was to workout (push ups, wall squats, and the plank) something I have done off and on recently although not very well or consistently.  That helped a little I think.  I am also going to remove coffee from my diet, again.  I thought I could handle it but I think it makes me crazy.  The other day before I knew it after eating lunch, a good full balanced meal, I then ate the equivalent of another meal using things like chocolate, almond butter, fruit and nut bars and even then to top it off a Clif Bar.  I know that sounds silly but having lost weight on the 28 day, Paleo eating plan, to then eating a pile of junk food, to put on weight and see my thin pants get tight, its demotivating, makes me feel bloated, grose, and out of control, instead I feel like chocolate controls me.  I think that has been one of the changes that has been hard.  We basically stripped out from our lives pleasure from food.  And while we have talked about it and thought about it I don’t think we have resolved adding that pleasure back in in other places.  So some days I think maybe I should just go back to being my old weight, which wasn’t that bad, took less work to plan good meals, I could eat out more, and “enjoy” foods and drinks.  The sad thing is Elliott and I have our budget so locked down I don’t think I could afford to go buy back all new clothes, so I feel stuck.

What else is bothering me.  Well I feel a little trapped by this great company we have started.  I know that is horrible and awful to say but its true.  Some days it is wonderful and affords us a great deal of flexibility and freedom, and for that I am generally grateful.  Although other days it sucks.  The work is not always very hard, stimulating or gratifying but yet we have to keep doing it to keep making money because there are no other jobs out there right now so love the one you have.  Well that doesn’t always work.  Its also incredibly stressful to have removed the middle man.  Before if I wanted a raise or was unhappy there was this guy standing between me and the other guy I could talk to and put my problems on. Now there is no guy its just us and our client, which by the way we are still working for “the man” our man just moved from our “boss” to our client.  Anyway now I have no leverage, I want a raise… well look at the accounting and see if you can pay yourself more.  The work is not gratifying… well go out and get more gratifying work or love the one you have.  Its empowering and demotivating all in the same.

To top it all off working with your husband makes everything harder.  So when either of us is in a professional slump it becomes a personal slump and our marriage has begun to feel and look like a stereotypical marriage to me, in plane words the honeymoon is over.  The real tough world has set in and its not all roses anymore.  And that makes me sad.  Yet I am at loss for how to get that back.

So the other night I decided I am going to make a change.  Some change for the better.  I am going to shake things up.  I am not quite sure what that will entail but I hope that it will be fun, exciting, and renewing.

The itching is back with a vengeance and there isn’t enough Gold Bond in this house to soothe it.  Actually there is no Gold Bond.  After exhaustive internet research the last time this surfaced I read that those soothing lotions can actually make it worse.  Although its so uncomfortable right now that worse later almost seems worth it for better right now.  I have a plan though.  Work out more.  Work less.  Change razors.  Might get a pedicure although I am too embarrassed to have anyone see my bumpy red legs.  I think a massage would be good too although same problem as the pedicure.  And I guess wash the sheets while I am at it.  However as much as I would like to believe it to be an environmental issues I am pretty certain it is stress.  In fact I think I might have developed a second symptom, clenching my teeth…  Oh man.

I do have one other plan for this week.  I am going to try doing just one thing at a time.  In the past I have prided myself on maximum efficiency.  If I was to take out the trash I would also take anything down that needed to go the car and run to the mail too.  If my computer is slow to open a program or save a file I hop over to my email or maybe open up another file to do something else real quick while the other program loads.  Well all this has gone to far.  I have mastered never really focusing on anything.  And at the end of the day when I do my time sheet while I know I got several things done separating out the hours is difficult.  Actually I am testing a program for a friend’s husband that helps people who bill out by hour, like lawyers, track their time by tracking their computer usage by file name.  My log is ridiculous.  There are seconds here and then there, email then drafting program then excel file.  Sorting it all into projects was a 20 minute task, I know because the program told me so.

So today I thought of everything I did as a project.  When I woke up I told myself it was about Project Breakfast.  However I suddenly found myself walking around the house picking things up, putting things away, so I told myself to instead complete Project Clean Up so my mind could focus on the next project.  Then Project Breakfast commenced.  This included tea.  I sat on the opposite side the table from my computer rather than my standard read an email, take a bite breakfast routine.    I worked on one Project Project, work Project, for several hours.  Took one break for Project UnNumb My Bum.  That’s right.  We have been working at our dining room table for months in solid wood chairs.  Elliott has been complaining for weeks about it.  Although it finally caught up with me this week.  My rear end literally feels numb when I get up after a few hours.  So I walked to Starbucks for Project Relax.  Drank a chai tea and read some of my new book about CEO Tools.  Then I decided to do a project on the way home, Project Personal.  I stopped by Barnes & Noble and picked up two things I have been day dreaming about, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Audio and Slow Death by Rubber Duck.

And I worked on what is one of my major projects, Project Bikini.  I am 1 week into a running program.  I have a half marathon in my sights.  And then a full marathon after that!   However for now its one day at a time.  Plus I think this project as I mentioned assists with Project No Itching, have to find a positive way to phrase that.  And when Elliott gets back I am going to work on Project Love.  One of my definite goals is to have deep and meaningful  relationships.  I keep to myself and don’t connect often with many people.  And I think I am going to start by focusing on relationship #1.  Not sure exactly what the actions will be for this project, although I believe complete and undivided attention will help.

Here’s to the sequel being the final in this series.

I normally pride myself on being cool, calm and collected at least on the outside.  I think I have gotten that down so much that it has almost gone too far.  Although that’s how I have decided to cope in the business world, fake it till you make it.  Not that I fake it to the point of being irresponsible although I do put on a front of organized and collected when I may not exactly feel that way.

Lately though my stress has in my opinion begun to manifest itself on my physical form.  I have had for quite a while an eye twitch that seems to come and go with stress, eyelid twitch to be exact.  Although recently I have developed an itch for stress.  That is I have areas on my skin that are dry and itchy.  Now it may very well be something else, bed bugs, diet, some skin disease, who knows although I think it is largely attributed to stress.  It started right before we were laid off and recently has gotten worse.  It is embarrassing, which is why I am mentioning it here, some how it makes me feel better to be honest and air this embarrassing fact in this very public forum without actually having to hear or see someone’s reaction to my deformity.  The other day I swear I barely scratched but I managed to take off a little chunk of skin on my shin and cause a scab.   I think the worst part is on my shins although I have other spots of it too.

Fortunately I do not have it on my face.  Although I have found myself sneaking a scratch of an armpit during a meeting and this is certainly not in line with my preferred outward appearance.  I thought it would go away.  And until the scab it was not really outwardly noticeable, minus the need to scratch every now and then.

Now I am resolved to do something.  Until now I was not motivated enough to give up my hot-hot showers although reading on-line I think that is one thing I can do that might help.  Also I have never been much a fan of lotion although I am lathering up after my shower as well.  I will also work to drink more water.  I think however I will draw the line at buying a humidifier.  Oh, and I think at this point I am also going to go see a doctor.   Anyway, I had an itch to get this of my chest and out in the open.

Elliott and I have been to Key West and back.  We had a wonderful trip.  We flew from Oakland to Ft Lauderdale and stayed  in South Beach Miami for one night.  We stayed in really cute place.  Its thing was being super simple with a hint of fun, kind of like me!  Most of the furnishings were white with a fun lamp and one red pillow.  We had dinner somewhere along a popular pedestrian street area, Lincoln Road, and walked around and soaked in the sights.  I didn’t quite get the same feel for Miami as I had in my mind from watching Burn Notice, skinny half naked people everywhere, which was fine with me.

The next day we took our time getting to Key West.  Its about a 170 mile drive although takes almost 4 hours because its a bit of a slow drive with one lane and lots of traffic.  We wanted to see Miami and drive along the coast so we took the long way out of Miami and I think with a stop for lunch the drive took 5 hours.  We rented a convertible for the drive down, we are unemployed but come on how often do you get to drive down to Key West so we splurged (although only one way on the way back we reserved a regular car which turned out to be a convertible with a broken top!).

It was hot with the sun on us although still so fun.  We blared salsa music and had a great time.  We had lunch at a perfect place in Key Largo called Eco Eats, totally our style (at least Elliott got to wear his Burning Man shades again!).

We realized on the way down that we really had no idea what this vacation was going to be about.  We had been telling people for months that we were going to “Key West” although we didn’t really know what that meant.  We didn’t know what it was going to be like, what we were going to do or really anything.  And we were ok with that.  We were going to meet Jay and Katie (pictured below) there who had lived there about 10 years ago and we were ready for fun and sun and anything else.

When we arrived we decided to go to the store so we had a few things for breakfast, as well beer, coffee, and a few snacks.  Jay and Katie weren’t set to arrive for several hours so we had some time.  Key West is not a place that it is fun to drive, at least not a car.  There are lots of pedestrians, scooters and bicycles that sort of follow the rules of the road so its a little sketchy driving.  We went to the store, brought the stuff back to condo and relaxed a few before returning the car.   The place we stayed was a two bedroom one bath condo near the Truman Annex, pretty close to the main action on Duval St.

When we dropped off the car our taxi back was a pile in the taxi with other people going the same general direct as you.  I thought that was an interesting idea, sustainable and efficient.

We then used yelp to find a place for dinner.  We at The Cafe the closest thing to Pneumatic Diner (one of our fav vegan type places in Reno) we had been to in a long time.

Then we went home to have a few beers to pass the time.  When Jay and Katie arrived they were hungry so we decided to go out after finishing off the rest of the beer.  If you can guess Key West turns out to be quite a party town.  We went to a few places and Jay and Katie reminisced about the place they met and fell in love (and partied) so many years ago.  My favorite moment of that night was on the patio at The Whistle.  The 2nd story that cantilevers out over the busy sidewalk.  A place that literally inspires you to Whistle at the people below and see if they look.  When that didn’t work I considered pouring beer on the people below which my friends and husband successfully suggested I not do.  Although later as we were leaving I walked under the overhang head back with mouth open looking for someone else as ornery as me although found none.

The next several days all blur together.  I can tell you we did lots of walking, eating and sweating – dang it was hot and humid there.  We went to the ocean a few times.  Jet skied around the island (25 miles) which was a blast.  Of course when Elliott was driving I was frustrated and when I was driving Elliott was beyond frustrated, not my fault I got the choppy part!  Although all in all that was a lot of fun and I would love to do that again some time.  We did the touristy stuff, went to the Southern Most point, and walked by Ernest Hemingway’s House.  Ate at Sloppy Joes and went to the locals bar the Green Parot.  Got stuck in a rain storm a long way from the condo so we stopped for a beer to wait for it to pass.  Ate Key Lime pie.

Our trip was not absent of a to be expected (unfortunately) gigantic fight after margaritas which Elliott ginxed me on because he knows I am even ornerier after tequila.  There was yelling, door slams and I left and sat in the parking lot (hiding), cried, felt bad for myself, mad at Elliott and tried to sober up so I could ultimately what seemed right at the time leave the island the next day prior to our scheduled departure.  I eventually returned to the condo and slept on the couch.  When we finally talked the next day I cried a lot (the last few months have been just a little stressful is my excuse) and eventually came to an understanding and forgiveness.  I can tell  you through this episode I came to understand something new about Elliott that I never known before, I don’t think he learned any thing about me right then although we both did later after I had a chance to process it all.  This is all intentionally pretty vague because its personal although you get the idea, drinking, vacation with another couple, hot, sweaty, unemployed and yet spending money, one bathroom (for 4 people) and tequila.  The day we spent “working things out” Jay and Katie went on a sailing trip that would have been really cool for us with snorkeling and kayaking although ultimately our day was spent on something much more important.

Back to happy stuff, Elliott got a cool new hat, wore it a lot including during this lunch out to have Cuban sandwiches.

For awhile I thought I should not drink again the rest of the trip although that eventually turned into not drinking tequila again the rest of the trip.  We did have one more epic party night out which included another couple, locals, Jay and Katie had worked with the guy years ago.  We had sushi, sake bombs (can finally cross that off the list), played quarters before we went out (with shots of beer so not that dangerous), and we went to several bars “on the way home”.  I remember line dancing, a bull that was luckily not working because the girls go topless (I don’t think I could be drunk enough to think that was a good idea anyway although better off all the way around), and one place where there was a private 2nd floor mezzanine area that I was intent on gaining access to although never did.  Oh I also require a blow up doll part of a bachelor party.  I remember the local guy said several times he didn’t think he would be able to go to different bars because he had been kicked out of them, being a local would be rough I think.  Ultimately I had a great time, I made it home with my purse, my top and my husband, life is good.

We did lots of shopping although bought little, except Elliott did buy 5 finger shoes, I am mad at him because I really want a pair too although knew we both shouldn’t get a pair.  We saw some cool art, my favorite was these wire sculptures that created amazing shadows on a canvas, too cool.  And we bought a $1 art creation from a guy on the street outside of Hemingways house who then asked where we were from and gave us a baseball card with a tie to our area, he was my random stumble on find that you can’t plan for in travel books.

Our last night because we had picked up the rental car so we went up a key or two about 10 miles to a non touristy seafood place and had a great dinner.  A great idea, it was great to get off Duval, to have a nice big dinner and to see something new.

Overall it was a great time and I think I have shared enough pics and personal stories for one night.

Out trip back was a long day.  Started at 10am Key West time and we got home to our house at 1am Pleasanton time (4am Key West time) that included a drive back to Ft Lauderdale, and 2 delayed flights.  We were exhausted.

The next day I had my monthly “therapy session” an executive leadership group that turned out to be just that for this meeting.  We had a psychologist talk about beliefs and changing harmful beliefs (sometimes called self limiting beliefs) to change your life for the better.  In an already fragile state I stumbled on something I had never put my finger on.  That is I don’t let many people in.  I knew that already although I never realized what stress it puts on my relationships and my life.  After some brainstorming the speaker put these words to it, my old belief: If I am vulnerable I will be hurt.  Everyone in the group uncovered very personal and moving self limiting beliefs and then we all meditated rewriting that belief to something more positive.  My new belief is: It is safe to be vulnerable.  Vulnerable means a lot of things to me, in many cases it means sharing my feelings, having really close friends, taking help and guidance from others, and lots of other similar and parallel things in my life.  And ultimately I think in the past I chose to either not let people in, or when I did let them in I was subconsciously sitting around waiting for them to hurt me, which I think led to my Key West breakdown.  Anyway I have rewritten my belief and as part of being vulnerable have shared this very personal story from Key West and my self limiting belief with my friends and family who take the time to follow this blog.  I am opening myself up to you all, vulnerable and I trust that I am still safe.