teresa

Well it has been quite an entertaining week and half discussing my funk with family, friends, and anyone in the general public who would listen.  I will share with you here some of the ideas and suggestions I have received so far.  And as of yet I haven’t discussed it with Kathi, the first to reach out to try to break down my funk.  Sorry Kathi.  I wanted to call you tonight before my summary blog so I could compile everyone’s opinion.  Now we can discuss it given this new information!

My wonderful mom called and I discussed it with her.  I have to say I have the best mom in the world.  The best thing about my mom is she always has my back.  No matter what it is she is there for me with love, support and ideas.  It means a lot to know you always have your mom.  Mom and I talked about it at length at the height of my funk.  I don’t think I even had a chance to list all of the reasons why I deserved to be depressed and demotivated.  The number one take away I took from talking with mom was 1) don’t make any drastic decisions and 2) look to get involved in other things in the community, volunteer or whatever to fulfill my needs in other ways.

Then I think I talked with Krista.  I felt awful talking to Krista about my funk given that her new husband is fighting for our country in Afghanistan, so I get it my problems are relatively small.  One of things that has been bothering me is if Elliott and I ever did decide to start a family it is seemingly impossible. From a time perspective it seems impossible, I am guessing a baby is slightly more work than a potty trained 2 year old black lab mix who sleeps all day and can be left alone for 4 hours in his kennel.  And then financially it seems we will never be in a comfortable place to have a baby, especially now when we are making basically 1/2 of what we used to.  I know I used the word “never” because these are great funk words if you really want to keep yourself down and in the dumps.  Anyway Krista has her own baby making limitations right now given the other half of the equation isn’t in this country and she was pretty casual about the whole thing, so I figured, whatever, we aren’t ready right now and if or when we are we will figure it out, no need fabricated problems to worry about, so I let that one go for the time being.

Then I talked to Holly and a guy who “sells toilet paper for a living”  Dave who may or may not remember to read my blog after I shared it with him at a commercial real estate mixer.  Holly suggested reading the book Mojo, which I have since ordered.  She said the jest of it is to write down your goals and then look at how you spend your time and commit to either 1) remove those things not supporting your goals from your day, 2) delegate those things, or 3) realize that those things are necessary to get to your goal and suck it up.  When I asked her what her goals were she said she didn’t really follow that part but the rest helped her get out of her funk.  I actually have spent some time thinking about my goals, with my over arching mission being Fulfilled & Balanced and I have broken that down into several parts so this talk reminded me that perhaps I should refocus on what I want and driving towards that, this reminder really helped.  Dave and I talked at length about my funk, he heard a similar schpeel as mom did every reason in the book for my funk.  Dave I think was in the camp of make a big change, follow your gut, what do you what you think will make you happy, what do you have to lose.  My kind of guy, at least someone agrees with my idea of giving up everything and becoming a… fill in the blank… this week I think it is teacher.  The reason I spilled my guts to Dave was because he told me he was living the dream at which point I think I put my hands my hips and said dream huh, I would love to know what that is because I am in a funk.  Anyway Dave used to be in the Afghanistan and Iraq being shot at and now he has a good paying job, that sounds pretty low stress, and he lives in SF which he claims is one of the greatest places in the world, I don’t know I think Oakland is pretty cool, and he said he is happy.

Then…. I had lunch with Heidi, the president and owner of a law firm I know from one of the groups I am in.  She recommended another book: When Work Doesn’t Work Anymore which I also ordered and we talked about why women define themselves by their work.  She also said though that in order to run a business it is imperative to love what you do and so she thought it was important to be mindful of these signs.  She was also in the camp of not making any rash decisions and she also shared with me the name of her psychiatrist in case I wanted to talk to someone.     Now I fully hope no one is being judgmental at this moment, are you?  Are you?  Don’t do it.  Being a business owner with your husband is a really lonely place and its easy to get lost in your head with the stress, fears, doubts and uncertainties, so this is an outlet that I may consider, but for now I am just sitting on her contact info.

Jen and I also talked about funks, and I mostly got to tell my bursting in public tears story which felt good because I hadn’t got to tell anyone yet about how or why this happened.  She is in a funk too, so it was really helpful to know that many other people are going through a rough patch now, I think its something in the air, the economy has been tough on a lot of people, there are not many jobs out there so I think there is this feeling among a lot of people of being stuck in your current job and I think this leads to funks.

Lastly I had some email correspondence with one of my old bosses, Chris.  Chris emailed me on a whim for nothing special and he said the age old email closer, “Hope all is well with you”.  I use that one a lot too.  Well I couldn’t in my heart of hearts write back “Everything’s great, hope everything is great with you too”.  So as I have been doing in the last week and a half I said things are ok, in a bit of a funk but working on it.  So Chris and I had some email correspondence, because he is the kind of guy that didn’t just let that go.  Chris also recommended that I get my priorities straight.  He shared with me his: “1) God 2) wife 3) kids 4) other relationships … work is mixed in somewhere later with all the other stuff”.  Oh I didn’t mention that Krista also hinted that she has been working on going to church and getting confirmed and she said that going to church has helped her a lot.  Well I feel so bad because I know this is a sore spot for any family or friends who know that my religious status is agnostic which I continually have to explain doesn’t mean I am an atheist like someone I know but I am just not sure what, who, or how we all got here.  And given Chris’ priority list I can’t help but wonder how he balances this.  If God is #1 how do you work for 8+ hours a day designing buildings?  Shouldn’t he work for a church or be on a mission or something?  I think this is where I get confused how do you balance these priorities and goals and things?  How does how you spend a majority of your day not fall into #1, 2 or 3?  Well anyway I haven’t figured this out yet but am hoping one of the books I ordered will shed some light on the topic.  What I did decide was I can’t afford to let work get me down in every other aspect of my life.  So I am genuinely better today.  Not cured.  But on my way towards better days.  And funny Elliott has now stepped up as the grumpous.  We often joke that if both of are ever in a good mood at the same time the world may end.  Not sure what it is but we seem to balance each other out for good or bad.

Ok so here is my question to my blog friends who may have skipped their way through to this point or may have actually read all of my long winded craziness.  What is your priority list?  And if you want to expand on that does it match how you spend your resources?  Elliott and I will be working on this as well.

I hate naming it but I am going to say it out loud, I am in a funk.  Just saying makes me feel a little better.  This happens ever so often. I am not quite sure the frequency, although its probably every 4 or so years.  This one has been particularly bad although I think I have thought that about the other ones as well.  In the past I have responded by shaking things up.  Maybe resigning from a few of my extracurriculars or hitting the reset button wherever I can.

I wish I could name why the slumps happen.  Although given the recent changes in our lives I suppose its not entirely surprising that I am not perfectly peachy.  I heard a presentation recently on change and the speaker called the average change experience a J curve.  Where you start at the left end of the J and then you go down hill learning and adjusting to this new thing before you break thru to the power and wonder of the new thing on the upper end of the J.  I can only hope I am at the bottom of the trough.

This slump most recently culminated in a crying spree that was unfortunately witnessed by my husband, mom, dad and oldest sister.  One of my finer moments  Unfortunately that was weeks ago and I have since made no progress at improving the situation.  Yesterday my first attempt at change was to workout (push ups, wall squats, and the plank) something I have done off and on recently although not very well or consistently.  That helped a little I think.  I am also going to remove coffee from my diet, again.  I thought I could handle it but I think it makes me crazy.  The other day before I knew it after eating lunch, a good full balanced meal, I then ate the equivalent of another meal using things like chocolate, almond butter, fruit and nut bars and even then to top it off a Clif Bar.  I know that sounds silly but having lost weight on the 28 day, Paleo eating plan, to then eating a pile of junk food, to put on weight and see my thin pants get tight, its demotivating, makes me feel bloated, grose, and out of control, instead I feel like chocolate controls me.  I think that has been one of the changes that has been hard.  We basically stripped out from our lives pleasure from food.  And while we have talked about it and thought about it I don’t think we have resolved adding that pleasure back in in other places.  So some days I think maybe I should just go back to being my old weight, which wasn’t that bad, took less work to plan good meals, I could eat out more, and “enjoy” foods and drinks.  The sad thing is Elliott and I have our budget so locked down I don’t think I could afford to go buy back all new clothes, so I feel stuck.

What else is bothering me.  Well I feel a little trapped by this great company we have started.  I know that is horrible and awful to say but its true.  Some days it is wonderful and affords us a great deal of flexibility and freedom, and for that I am generally grateful.  Although other days it sucks.  The work is not always very hard, stimulating or gratifying but yet we have to keep doing it to keep making money because there are no other jobs out there right now so love the one you have.  Well that doesn’t always work.  Its also incredibly stressful to have removed the middle man.  Before if I wanted a raise or was unhappy there was this guy standing between me and the other guy I could talk to and put my problems on. Now there is no guy its just us and our client, which by the way we are still working for “the man” our man just moved from our “boss” to our client.  Anyway now I have no leverage, I want a raise… well look at the accounting and see if you can pay yourself more.  The work is not gratifying… well go out and get more gratifying work or love the one you have.  Its empowering and demotivating all in the same.

To top it all off working with your husband makes everything harder.  So when either of us is in a professional slump it becomes a personal slump and our marriage has begun to feel and look like a stereotypical marriage to me, in plane words the honeymoon is over.  The real tough world has set in and its not all roses anymore.  And that makes me sad.  Yet I am at loss for how to get that back.

So the other night I decided I am going to make a change.  Some change for the better.  I am going to shake things up.  I am not quite sure what that will entail but I hope that it will be fun, exciting, and renewing.

“Food is nutrition”.  That is what I have been telling myself a lot lately, and it is working.  It doesn’t always work on the first cookie although it works without fail every time when I say it before reaching for the second cookie.  It also works at the coffee shop.  We have been taking some, although many fewer than we used, coffee breaks to get a decaf coffee and a walk about.  As I gaze at the pastry delights I remind myself that I ate recently, I will eat again, and that food is nutrition.

The thing I haven’t figured out yet though is how far to take that.  Most of the things I read are pretty clear that “cheat” days are ok.  And that some “cheat” days actually make generally for more success, because all out binges become less likely, and you don’t feel completely deprived.  So when we celebrated Elliott’s birthday I selected an entree that was a great pick, and then we ordered dessert.  So how dessert fall into, Food is nutrition?  If food is nutrition, and chocolate molten cake is food, how do I rectify that?  To expand my food is nutrition, this actually came to me after consuming a large unnecessary muffin of some sort, the details are not important.  I wasn’t really hungry.  I didn’t even feel great after the muffin.  But at the moment I wanted it.  Dwelling on that decision I wrote in my notebook, Food is nutrition.  It feeds my body and my mind.  So does chocolate molten cake then really need to be part of my life?    I mean ideally I would much rather “celebrate” something with something that is all out good for me, like a sunrise hike, or some time on the bay perhaps in a boat.  Why is it we “treat” ourselves with food?  And is it possible or necessary to give up or re-wire these “treats” in order to truly understand that Food is nutrition?  I don’t know.

What is has led to though is we have given up drinking alcohol.  That has been completely non interesting from our own little world of just the two of us because we don’t really drink that often.  Although for some reason alcohol seems to be the pinnacle around many social situations.  I can’t tell you how many times people have referenced having us over for a drink, or going out for a drink, since we started our hiatus on June 15.  Its been uncanny.  Most people do not understand giving up drinking.  I am not sure we totally do, although we pinky swore on it so we are sticking with it.  Here is the thing, most people don’t think alcohol is all that bad for you.  In fact there are many studies saying some small amount of red wine and even beer, I think even daily, may be good for you.  However, consistently I make bad decisions after drinking.  Rather they be eating decisions, dancing on tables decisions, or driving decisions, they are all less than smart.  And I don’t feel good the next day.  So why do I do that to myself?  To facilitate increased social experiences?

So here is my question to myself.  How do I merge Food is nutrition with enjoying life and our culture that is built around food and alcohol as a centerpiece for social interaction and celebration?  I will let you know what I figure out on my journey to fuel my body, my mind, and beyond!

Last weekend Elliott and I ran the Reno Tahoe Odyssey.  This is a relay from Reno, through Truckee, around the lake, through Virginia City and back to Reno.  The teams are 12 people, split into two 6 person vans.  Each person runs (3) legs, Elliott’s and my legs were each below 5 miles which was wonderful since we didn’t do much long distance training.  Elliott had quite a bit of uphill on his legs, and I then ran mostly downhill!

My first leg was just shy of 5 miles.  It was during the day probably at about 3pm, if I remember correctly.  It was blustery out, not hot, not too cold, I think I wore shorts and a shirt.  I ran out of the hand off pretty quickly.  The adrenaline of the “race” and being part of a team is pretty cool.  I was running a little too fast, faster than I thought I could maintain so I eventually metered it down to a more typical pace.  After awhile I did start to feel as if I couldn’t get enough air.  I am not sure if that was all in my head or if I really could feel the elevation distance coming from sea level to high sierras.  I ultimately had a pretty good run, was a little slower than I would have liked, felt like crap, although the idea of the team waiting for me at the end kept me going.  Although it did weigh on my mind that I had two more legs to run.

After that leg I was relieved, I had a protein shake, some dates (carbs, high-glycemic fruit) and almonds my traditional recovery shake in pieces.  I immediately felt better and I like I could run some more, a great feeling to have in the middle of relay!  Elliott and I ran first and second in our van so the next few hours were spent dropping off runners at their starts, cheering them on along the way while driving by and then picking up a runner and dropping a new one off.  Its quite an experience.  Its a bit rushed because there is this hurry to get the next runner to the next check station so they can put on their shoes, stretch and go to the bathroom before the previous runner shows up.  Then you hydrate that runner, let them stretch, and get back in the car and do it again.

After our last runner completed their leg it was time for dinner.  We drove ahead past the legs our other van would be doing and parked where we would pick up in South Lake Tahoe.  There was a Baja Fresh in the parking lot so that became our dinner spot.  I ate a burrito much larger than anything I have had in one sitting in awhile although I justified that I needed my energy.  I don’t think that hurt me later except for a few almost emergency trips to the port-a-potty that were perfectly timed before runs, during or after would have been much more uncomfortable, well then…

After dinner it was time to catch some sleep.  Part of our van went to a friends house and the three of us with the first three legs spread out in the truck in the parking lot to get some sleep before we would run again.  I sprawled out in the back seat, Elliott slept in the passenger seat and Leon slept in the driver’s seat.  I use the word slept loosely, personally I may have slept for 1 hour at most, even though we were laying down in the truck for almost 2 hours.  Between the noise of the other runner in the parking lot, the lights, and just the excitement of the entire event it was tough to sleep.

Elliott was first to run so he got up and started waking up his muscles by walking around outside.  I stayed in the warmer truck until I had to get out to cheer him off.  He had a long grueling run up Kingsbury summit.  As we drove up it Leon and I felt so bad for Elliott who we knew would be trekking up it one foot in front of the other.  I hate hills.  Thank goodness I didn’t have to run up it.  I would have been miserable.  Elliott though he has a strong low gear and he powered up the hill in great time.  He handed the headlamp off to me, and in my blinking vest I took off down the grade.  My run was a little over 4 miles of pure downhill.  I have never run downhill like that before.  It was a wierd experience.  You could almost run effortlessly, and fast.  I struggled to get my headlamp right where I could see in front of me without the bouncing of the light in my face.  I held the lamp for awhile and eventually settled into having it on my head.  It was dark, and quite.  I saw a few runners only.  I was passed by two guys who I tried to keep in my sights to keep my sanity but both of them eventually pulled away.  My mind was pretty busy.  I was happy each time I saw a car or headlights just to know I wasn’t totally alone out there.  At one point I saw a car coming the other way and these huge fast moving shadows shot across the guardrail on the other side of the road.  I was sure it was that of two bears and I braced for a quick and painless attack.  Although as the car passed there was nothing.  I convinced myself it was just the shadow of the car and I picked up the pace I continued down the hill.  When I finally saw the accumulation of cars and people at the check point I bounded even faster, I had made it.  I hadn’t been eaten by a bear or kidnapped by some man looking for a hot sweaty runner chick.  And I had made great time!

Again we cheered on the rest of our van and then we went to the next rest point which was at the end of our legs.  The next van was waiting there for us to take the baton and finish their 3rd leg (they started in Reno).  We would sleep there in the Walmart parking lot before driving to Virginia city where we take it from there back to Reno.  Elliott and I pulled out our full length cots, sleeping backs, and slept in the open air, it was glorious!  I don’t think we got much more than 1 hour sleep again although it still was enough to feel rested, as rested goes.

With that it off to our last leg.  Elliott had another hill, this time Geiger grade.  He again did a stellar job and I had about 1 mile of the hill to finish up.  I powered through, ran the whole thing and I was never so happy to see the Geiger summit sign!  After that I picked up all the time I lost going downhill.  Running downhill after running uphill is even better because you feel like you deserve the downhill.  This time I pushed it even harder.  Consequently I have a toe nail that I think will eventually fall off although it was totally worth it.  With that we were done!  The rest of our van had a few grueling legs to finish, some over 6 miles long and in what turned out to be a pretty hot day.

Overall it was a great time.  Our nutrition was a bit goofy given we ate more salt (trail mix) and grains (clif bars) than normal.  And it didn’t help that for dinner that night I had several cocktails and beers to celebrate.  Actually I woke up the next morning and my face was a little swollen!  I am not sure if that was from all of the salt, gluten, alcohol or all of the above!  Anyway it was a great time, it gave us something to work towards, it kept us running and in shape, we met new people, and we pushed ourselves to a level we wouldn’t have without the confines of the team and the race.  Now we have to figure out whats next.  I think Elliott is lobbying for Hood to Coast.  We shall see.

Well its been a while since I last blogged.  What would like to update you on?

First our new eating lifestyle is going well.  We have worked to blend in a mix of normal life, eating out, cocktails and dinner parties into our mix.  We want to be able to do these things every once in awhile without stressing out over what we are eating and also while maintaining a healthy diet.  I would say overall it has been successful.  Often times we will find ourselves at one of these normal situations and we will find our reptile (that is the part of our brain that fears it may starve tomorrow so one should consume all calories within sight at any given moment) takes control.  That looks like one piece of bread into your mouth, and then another piece of bread, and then perhaps bread with butter, and then if there is bread left after the meal one more piece for good measure.  Considering bread is not one of the things we would commonly eat any more that becomes pretty entertaining.  We have worked though to enjoy those moments, be aware of the feelings, and not beat ourselves up about it.  Most rewarding  and what keeps me going was I did go shopping again and I found that I easily fit into a size 4.  I used to wear a size 8, a solid 8, and on bad weeks a 10.  I think I rarely wore a 6 and now I am easily a 6 and on good weeks a 4, pretty cool.

So it was a good thing we practiced this diet flexibility because last week we went to Texas for one week.  We visited Elliott’s grandparents, his mom’s mom and dad, and his dad’s mom, his uncle, and his dad (who has three kids, two who are half siblings to Elliott).  I can honestly say Texas and California might as well be in different country’s!   Ok that’s a little dramatic.  However I don’t think vegetables and fruit are a common part of the Texan diet.  I tried explaining to someone that potatoes aren’t really a vegetable, at least in my book, vegetables are leafy and non-starchy.  We ate more meat than one can imagine including bacon and dried sausage.  We watched the kids eat lots of candy, and Elliott even broke down for a flash back moment and had a snow cone.  I don’t mean to sounds snobby about it… its just when you focus on eating lots of veggies (3 times as many veggies as protein) and minimal carbs and instead you find yourself eating eggs, sausage and toast for breakfast you wonder what your body is going to think.  Well my body did ok.  Fortunately we ran quite a bit while we were there so I think that helped.  I managed only to put on about 2 pounds, which considering what I know that’s not bad.  That was the result of some Oreo cookies (you just can’t say no to grandparents), brownies, banana cake, a huge meal at a Brazilian BBQ place (oh my), and I can’t even recount what else but it got sketchy there, oh… I did even have a donut, again you can’t say no to grandparents.

I told Elliott by the end of the trip I didn’t feel as good, he said it was all in my mind but  my pants definitely fit tighter.  We have been home for a few days and I think I have just about repaired the damage made and I am feeling better and better.

Ok I need to go soon, I know these get too long to even read.  The only other thing I will say is I don’t think I am allergic to spandex.  I think it might be my soap that and stress.  All I know is right now it is gone.  I am going to my annual check up soon, to a new dr who I believe is also a dermatologist, I am going to review it with her then, although I am not sure what she can say about looking at clear skin where I used to have a problem although I am hoping she might be able to pin point what it could be so I can be sure to avoid.  Anyway at this point its 100% aloe vera soap and I am hoping that continues to do the trick.

All in all life is good right now.  Work is pretty busy, billings are great.  Elliott and I are healthy.  I am working on writing down my goals and focusing on achieving them this year in search of fulfillment and balance.   We are looking at a summer calendar full of friends, family, some running, some music, even camping.  And right now I am pretty excited.  We have some exciting things coming up that I will work to take time to document here later.  Till then…