teresa

As I was begging Elliott to go to the city pool with me the other day to do laps I realized something abot myself.  He said he didn’t want to go and he would let me test it out, see how it works and then he would go with me.  Thats when I realized how being brought up to notion that if you show weekness or fear your brothers will sing the chrorus of the song ‘don’t cry out loud’ really changed my life.  I fake, act, pretend whatever I have to when I am dolng something that is new, foreign, or scary.  I walk in there like I know exactly what I am doing.  For the most part I am very thankful for this.  It allows me to try new things and get out there. 

Analyzing it further I realize this mentality does affect much of my life.  When I was a new engineer I think I asked very limited questions because I wanted to look like I knew what I was doing.  This was dangerous because the first few years of learning are critical.  At meetings with a new client I have to force myself to ask questions for understanding about their process or procedure.  Because showing a lack of knowledge or understanding is totally against my grain.

Another reflection, one of the interesting parts of married life for us has been recently we have both not been as flexible.  I think right before the wedding we were both very flexible, I guess you could say walking on eggshells, we both did what we could to keep the other happy.  Now that the stress of the big event is over we are both working to recharge.  And neither of us is being as accomodating as we were before.  So I went to the pool by myself.  Walked in there like I knew what I was doing.  Found the women’s locker room - success.  Located a lane that I could use.  And I swam over 500 yards.  I think that the lifeguard was probably sure I didn’t know exactly what I was doing as I think my swimming form is still pretty rough.  That doesn’t matter though.  I needed to prove to myself I could do it becuase Deb and I are going to do a triathlon early next month and it is a 500 yard swim.  So now I just want to do it faster, or really with less breaks which will make it faster.

So believe it or not I would like to thank my brothers for toughening me up.  Teaching me to hide my feelings.  Because that has allowed me to do and experience things that I might not have wanted to do, instead I seek out the scary to conquer!  I do however balance that toughness with a reminder that it is good to ’show your feelings’ to those you love.

Elliott went to a function tonight in SF and I stayed here told hold down the fort in the East Bay.  When we talked about his plans to go to this event I told him, oh no… dinner by myself and free to do whatever I want, what will I do (filled with sarcasm and anything but a hint of imagined loneliness).

After I dropped him off at the BART station I went by Subway for a meatball sandwhich dinner, alway a good back up plan and I went back to work.  I “worked” only a little.  Cleaned up the piles and moved paper around.  Then I went through some of emails that I tend to save up of things to do.  Like we want to go to a San Jose Earthquakes soccer game, so I had an email reminder in a folder, so I ordered tickets and deleted the email.  I had some SWE business to catch up on so I did that as well.

Soon the minutes faded into another and before I knew it, it was 9pm.  The lights flickered, the automatic building energy managements way of telling me they would be shutting off for good unless I called in with my secret code to override it.  I called in another hour of light but I am not sure if the system is on Colorado time or what but they shut off anyway.  Oh well, the building’s way of telling me to go home, which I did.

On the way I home with my bag of industry journals, business newspapers, and dishes from the office to wash at home (we don’t use paper plates anymore, its a green thing) I realized something.  It is a Friday night.  Elliott went to SF and I stayed at work because lets face it I don’t have anything else to do.

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Its funny how traveling within the US can still seem foreign.  First of all I am not sure why but apparently they do not believe in toilet seat covers in Colorado.  Until today we had been all over, public, private, one-holers and fancy restrooms - none of them had toilet seat covers.  Funny thing is the toilet seats have been cleaner than seats I have seen anywhere before which to me might seem like a contradiction.  Today I went to the restroom in the lobby and went to sit down, indoctrinated into the Colorado way, when I saw toilet seat covers next to the toilet paper, I was amazed, seat covers!  While we are on the topic I also saw my first dual flush toilet in a restroom in a building of artist studios, where we had stopped to enjoy a coffee.  The building was very “green” and these toilets allowing for #1 or #2 flushes are very popular, it was cool to see one in person instead of in a magazine.

Another observation, while driving today.  Nearly all cars going only 5-10 mph over the speed limit.  All in their own lane, charging along happily and friendly.  There were a few cars who were in a hurry, but these people were not the majority.  After driving in California for a year this felt strange.  This is typically the scene only after passing by a speed trap and it usually only lasts 45 seconds.

Our honeymoon although not to a foreign country has still provided some interesting cultural experiences.

Well we are no longer living in the present.  The last few days have been about “in a week from now”.  It started on Thursday, ‘in a week from now’ our family will be arriving.  Friday ‘in a week from now’ we will have our rehearsal.  Saturday ‘in a week from now’ we will be getting married, dancing…  Sunday ‘in a week from now’ we will be packing.  Today ‘in a week from now’ we will be drinking a cocktail on our way to Vail.  ‘In a week from now’ we will be eating our first dinner in Vail.  The funny thing about not living in the moment is life feels like it goes by too fast.  We have essentially already written this week off as lost.  Its practically over already.  And well the wedding it will be over no time, and our honeymoon is practically over already too.  Thats all a little dramatic but living in the future does make the now seem fleeting.

I wrote a blog about our half marathon on our work blog.  You can see it at www.responsivebydesign.com (actually Elliott hasn’t posted it yet but it will be up this week he says).  Now Elliott and I have two outlets for blogging.  So anyway I won’t rehash the run here since I already captured the story, although I did set the story to a business analogy.  I really enjoy doing things like that, I did a lot more thinking and evaluating of experiences when I was in Toastmasters.  I do miss Toastmasters.  After the wedding I will go check out a few more clubs here and see if one is a good fit for me.

I do have a few random things that I have thought of lately that I will share.  First is I am working to get the word ‘try’ out of my vocabulary.  We all know what ‘try’ means.  I am going to try to eat better.  I am going to try to go the gym more often.  I am going to try to leave work earlier.  It means I am not really going to do it, because for one reason or another I am not fully committed to the idea, but if I say I will try to do it, at least that shows effort and I don’t have to feel bad when I don’t succeed, well at least I tried.

The other funny word in my life is ‘just’.  Elliott and I use this one all the time. I am just giving you a hard time.  I am just asking.  I am just saying.  These statements usually follow an otherwise rude comment that then is washed away by saying I am just giving you a hard time.  Now that we are aware of it we are both trying to stop…

Other than that I feel like crap today and I look like I got hit by a bus, not really sure whats up with that.  My eyes are all puffy.  And I slept for almost 14 hours!  We had some early PF Chang’s for dinner, I gorged myself with chow mien and crab wontons!  And I had to drink this crappy beer that Elliott accidentally ordered.  It is an inside joke between us that I like the heavier beers.  Normally our servers will hand the light colored beer to me and the dark colored beer to Elliott and we will switch.  So last night I order a Fat Tire, a darker but not real dark beer.  And Elliott orders some beer I have never heard of, think it was called Chimay, he says its some fancy light Belgium beer he has had before.  Well he sees the bartender pouring it and says oops thats not what I thought it was.  It was darker than my Fat Tire and had some strange particulate matter in it that kept fizzing till the end.  So I took one for the team and said I would drink the darker beer.  But I think those particulates did something funny to me.  Anyway I was out like a light when we got home, first asleep on the couch and later moved into the bedroom.  But seriously I look like I stayed up all night crying to Steel Magnolias not like I slept a lovely and well deserved 14 hours.  And I feel like crap.  Oh I forgot to tell you I have an eye twitch!  Thankfully it is my left eye which Irene says in Chinese culture is the lucky eye to twitch, apparently the right eye twitch is unlucky.  So the eye twitch is back this morning too.  Last night the beer made it go away.  Perhaps a bloody marry is in order…