teresa

Well it has been quite an entertaining week and half discussing my funk with family, friends, and anyone in the general public who would listen.  I will share with you here some of the ideas and suggestions I have received so far.  And as of yet I haven’t discussed it with Kathi, the first to reach out to try to break down my funk.  Sorry Kathi.  I wanted to call you tonight before my summary blog so I could compile everyone’s opinion.  Now we can discuss it given this new information!

My wonderful mom called and I discussed it with her.  I have to say I have the best mom in the world.  The best thing about my mom is she always has my back.  No matter what it is she is there for me with love, support and ideas.  It means a lot to know you always have your mom.  Mom and I talked about it at length at the height of my funk.  I don’t think I even had a chance to list all of the reasons why I deserved to be depressed and demotivated.  The number one take away I took from talking with mom was 1) don’t make any drastic decisions and 2) look to get involved in other things in the community, volunteer or whatever to fulfill my needs in other ways.

Then I think I talked with Krista.  I felt awful talking to Krista about my funk given that her new husband is fighting for our country in Afghanistan, so I get it my problems are relatively small.  One of things that has been bothering me is if Elliott and I ever did decide to start a family it is seemingly impossible. From a time perspective it seems impossible, I am guessing a baby is slightly more work than a potty trained 2 year old black lab mix who sleeps all day and can be left alone for 4 hours in his kennel.  And then financially it seems we will never be in a comfortable place to have a baby, especially now when we are making basically 1/2 of what we used to.  I know I used the word “never” because these are great funk words if you really want to keep yourself down and in the dumps.  Anyway Krista has her own baby making limitations right now given the other half of the equation isn’t in this country and she was pretty casual about the whole thing, so I figured, whatever, we aren’t ready right now and if or when we are we will figure it out, no need fabricated problems to worry about, so I let that one go for the time being.

Then I talked to Holly and a guy who “sells toilet paper for a living”  Dave who may or may not remember to read my blog after I shared it with him at a commercial real estate mixer.  Holly suggested reading the book Mojo, which I have since ordered.  She said the jest of it is to write down your goals and then look at how you spend your time and commit to either 1) remove those things not supporting your goals from your day, 2) delegate those things, or 3) realize that those things are necessary to get to your goal and suck it up.  When I asked her what her goals were she said she didn’t really follow that part but the rest helped her get out of her funk.  I actually have spent some time thinking about my goals, with my over arching mission being Fulfilled & Balanced and I have broken that down into several parts so this talk reminded me that perhaps I should refocus on what I want and driving towards that, this reminder really helped.  Dave and I talked at length about my funk, he heard a similar schpeel as mom did every reason in the book for my funk.  Dave I think was in the camp of make a big change, follow your gut, what do you what you think will make you happy, what do you have to lose.  My kind of guy, at least someone agrees with my idea of giving up everything and becoming a… fill in the blank… this week I think it is teacher.  The reason I spilled my guts to Dave was because he told me he was living the dream at which point I think I put my hands my hips and said dream huh, I would love to know what that is because I am in a funk.  Anyway Dave used to be in the Afghanistan and Iraq being shot at and now he has a good paying job, that sounds pretty low stress, and he lives in SF which he claims is one of the greatest places in the world, I don’t know I think Oakland is pretty cool, and he said he is happy.

Then…. I had lunch with Heidi, the president and owner of a law firm I know from one of the groups I am in.  She recommended another book: When Work Doesn’t Work Anymore which I also ordered and we talked about why women define themselves by their work.  She also said though that in order to run a business it is imperative to love what you do and so she thought it was important to be mindful of these signs.  She was also in the camp of not making any rash decisions and she also shared with me the name of her psychiatrist in case I wanted to talk to someone.     Now I fully hope no one is being judgmental at this moment, are you?  Are you?  Don’t do it.  Being a business owner with your husband is a really lonely place and its easy to get lost in your head with the stress, fears, doubts and uncertainties, so this is an outlet that I may consider, but for now I am just sitting on her contact info.

Jen and I also talked about funks, and I mostly got to tell my bursting in public tears story which felt good because I hadn’t got to tell anyone yet about how or why this happened.  She is in a funk too, so it was really helpful to know that many other people are going through a rough patch now, I think its something in the air, the economy has been tough on a lot of people, there are not many jobs out there so I think there is this feeling among a lot of people of being stuck in your current job and I think this leads to funks.

Lastly I had some email correspondence with one of my old bosses, Chris.  Chris emailed me on a whim for nothing special and he said the age old email closer, “Hope all is well with you”.  I use that one a lot too.  Well I couldn’t in my heart of hearts write back “Everything’s great, hope everything is great with you too”.  So as I have been doing in the last week and a half I said things are ok, in a bit of a funk but working on it.  So Chris and I had some email correspondence, because he is the kind of guy that didn’t just let that go.  Chris also recommended that I get my priorities straight.  He shared with me his: “1) God 2) wife 3) kids 4) other relationships … work is mixed in somewhere later with all the other stuff”.  Oh I didn’t mention that Krista also hinted that she has been working on going to church and getting confirmed and she said that going to church has helped her a lot.  Well I feel so bad because I know this is a sore spot for any family or friends who know that my religious status is agnostic which I continually have to explain doesn’t mean I am an atheist like someone I know but I am just not sure what, who, or how we all got here.  And given Chris’ priority list I can’t help but wonder how he balances this.  If God is #1 how do you work for 8+ hours a day designing buildings?  Shouldn’t he work for a church or be on a mission or something?  I think this is where I get confused how do you balance these priorities and goals and things?  How does how you spend a majority of your day not fall into #1, 2 or 3?  Well anyway I haven’t figured this out yet but am hoping one of the books I ordered will shed some light on the topic.  What I did decide was I can’t afford to let work get me down in every other aspect of my life.  So I am genuinely better today.  Not cured.  But on my way towards better days.  And funny Elliott has now stepped up as the grumpous.  We often joke that if both of are ever in a good mood at the same time the world may end.  Not sure what it is but we seem to balance each other out for good or bad.

Ok so here is my question to my blog friends who may have skipped their way through to this point or may have actually read all of my long winded craziness.  What is your priority list?  And if you want to expand on that does it match how you spend your resources?  Elliott and I will be working on this as well.

I hate naming it but I am going to say it out loud, I am in a funk.  Just saying makes me feel a little better.  This happens ever so often. I am not quite sure the frequency, although its probably every 4 or so years.  This one has been particularly bad although I think I have thought that about the other ones as well.  In the past I have responded by shaking things up.  Maybe resigning from a few of my extracurriculars or hitting the reset button wherever I can.

I wish I could name why the slumps happen.  Although given the recent changes in our lives I suppose its not entirely surprising that I am not perfectly peachy.  I heard a presentation recently on change and the speaker called the average change experience a J curve.  Where you start at the left end of the J and then you go down hill learning and adjusting to this new thing before you break thru to the power and wonder of the new thing on the upper end of the J.  I can only hope I am at the bottom of the trough.

This slump most recently culminated in a crying spree that was unfortunately witnessed by my husband, mom, dad and oldest sister.  One of my finer moments  Unfortunately that was weeks ago and I have since made no progress at improving the situation.  Yesterday my first attempt at change was to workout (push ups, wall squats, and the plank) something I have done off and on recently although not very well or consistently.  That helped a little I think.  I am also going to remove coffee from my diet, again.  I thought I could handle it but I think it makes me crazy.  The other day before I knew it after eating lunch, a good full balanced meal, I then ate the equivalent of another meal using things like chocolate, almond butter, fruit and nut bars and even then to top it off a Clif Bar.  I know that sounds silly but having lost weight on the 28 day, Paleo eating plan, to then eating a pile of junk food, to put on weight and see my thin pants get tight, its demotivating, makes me feel bloated, grose, and out of control, instead I feel like chocolate controls me.  I think that has been one of the changes that has been hard.  We basically stripped out from our lives pleasure from food.  And while we have talked about it and thought about it I don’t think we have resolved adding that pleasure back in in other places.  So some days I think maybe I should just go back to being my old weight, which wasn’t that bad, took less work to plan good meals, I could eat out more, and “enjoy” foods and drinks.  The sad thing is Elliott and I have our budget so locked down I don’t think I could afford to go buy back all new clothes, so I feel stuck.

What else is bothering me.  Well I feel a little trapped by this great company we have started.  I know that is horrible and awful to say but its true.  Some days it is wonderful and affords us a great deal of flexibility and freedom, and for that I am generally grateful.  Although other days it sucks.  The work is not always very hard, stimulating or gratifying but yet we have to keep doing it to keep making money because there are no other jobs out there right now so love the one you have.  Well that doesn’t always work.  Its also incredibly stressful to have removed the middle man.  Before if I wanted a raise or was unhappy there was this guy standing between me and the other guy I could talk to and put my problems on. Now there is no guy its just us and our client, which by the way we are still working for “the man” our man just moved from our “boss” to our client.  Anyway now I have no leverage, I want a raise… well look at the accounting and see if you can pay yourself more.  The work is not gratifying… well go out and get more gratifying work or love the one you have.  Its empowering and demotivating all in the same.

To top it all off working with your husband makes everything harder.  So when either of us is in a professional slump it becomes a personal slump and our marriage has begun to feel and look like a stereotypical marriage to me, in plane words the honeymoon is over.  The real tough world has set in and its not all roses anymore.  And that makes me sad.  Yet I am at loss for how to get that back.

So the other night I decided I am going to make a change.  Some change for the better.  I am going to shake things up.  I am not quite sure what that will entail but I hope that it will be fun, exciting, and renewing.

The itching is back with a vengeance and there isn’t enough Gold Bond in this house to soothe it.  Actually there is no Gold Bond.  After exhaustive internet research the last time this surfaced I read that those soothing lotions can actually make it worse.  Although its so uncomfortable right now that worse later almost seems worth it for better right now.  I have a plan though.  Work out more.  Work less.  Change razors.  Might get a pedicure although I am too embarrassed to have anyone see my bumpy red legs.  I think a massage would be good too although same problem as the pedicure.  And I guess wash the sheets while I am at it.  However as much as I would like to believe it to be an environmental issues I am pretty certain it is stress.  In fact I think I might have developed a second symptom, clenching my teeth…  Oh man.

I do have one other plan for this week.  I am going to try doing just one thing at a time.  In the past I have prided myself on maximum efficiency.  If I was to take out the trash I would also take anything down that needed to go the car and run to the mail too.  If my computer is slow to open a program or save a file I hop over to my email or maybe open up another file to do something else real quick while the other program loads.  Well all this has gone to far.  I have mastered never really focusing on anything.  And at the end of the day when I do my time sheet while I know I got several things done separating out the hours is difficult.  Actually I am testing a program for a friend’s husband that helps people who bill out by hour, like lawyers, track their time by tracking their computer usage by file name.  My log is ridiculous.  There are seconds here and then there, email then drafting program then excel file.  Sorting it all into projects was a 20 minute task, I know because the program told me so.

So today I thought of everything I did as a project.  When I woke up I told myself it was about Project Breakfast.  However I suddenly found myself walking around the house picking things up, putting things away, so I told myself to instead complete Project Clean Up so my mind could focus on the next project.  Then Project Breakfast commenced.  This included tea.  I sat on the opposite side the table from my computer rather than my standard read an email, take a bite breakfast routine.    I worked on one Project Project, work Project, for several hours.  Took one break for Project UnNumb My Bum.  That’s right.  We have been working at our dining room table for months in solid wood chairs.  Elliott has been complaining for weeks about it.  Although it finally caught up with me this week.  My rear end literally feels numb when I get up after a few hours.  So I walked to Starbucks for Project Relax.  Drank a chai tea and read some of my new book about CEO Tools.  Then I decided to do a project on the way home, Project Personal.  I stopped by Barnes & Noble and picked up two things I have been day dreaming about, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Audio and Slow Death by Rubber Duck.

And I worked on what is one of my major projects, Project Bikini.  I am 1 week into a running program.  I have a half marathon in my sights.  And then a full marathon after that!   However for now its one day at a time.  Plus I think this project as I mentioned assists with Project No Itching, have to find a positive way to phrase that.  And when Elliott gets back I am going to work on Project Love.  One of my definite goals is to have deep and meaningful  relationships.  I keep to myself and don’t connect often with many people.  And I think I am going to start by focusing on relationship #1.  Not sure exactly what the actions will be for this project, although I believe complete and undivided attention will help.

Here’s to the sequel being the final in this series.

I normally pride myself on being cool, calm and collected at least on the outside.  I think I have gotten that down so much that it has almost gone too far.  Although that’s how I have decided to cope in the business world, fake it till you make it.  Not that I fake it to the point of being irresponsible although I do put on a front of organized and collected when I may not exactly feel that way.

Lately though my stress has in my opinion begun to manifest itself on my physical form.  I have had for quite a while an eye twitch that seems to come and go with stress, eyelid twitch to be exact.  Although recently I have developed an itch for stress.  That is I have areas on my skin that are dry and itchy.  Now it may very well be something else, bed bugs, diet, some skin disease, who knows although I think it is largely attributed to stress.  It started right before we were laid off and recently has gotten worse.  It is embarrassing, which is why I am mentioning it here, some how it makes me feel better to be honest and air this embarrassing fact in this very public forum without actually having to hear or see someone’s reaction to my deformity.  The other day I swear I barely scratched but I managed to take off a little chunk of skin on my shin and cause a scab.   I think the worst part is on my shins although I have other spots of it too.

Fortunately I do not have it on my face.  Although I have found myself sneaking a scratch of an armpit during a meeting and this is certainly not in line with my preferred outward appearance.  I thought it would go away.  And until the scab it was not really outwardly noticeable, minus the need to scratch every now and then.

Now I am resolved to do something.  Until now I was not motivated enough to give up my hot-hot showers although reading on-line I think that is one thing I can do that might help.  Also I have never been much a fan of lotion although I am lathering up after my shower as well.  I will also work to drink more water.  I think however I will draw the line at buying a humidifier.  Oh, and I think at this point I am also going to go see a doctor.   Anyway, I had an itch to get this of my chest and out in the open.

In my world coffee has become the new lunch.  Lunch is expensive, calorie ridden, and time intensive.  When two unemployed or as I would prefer to look at it burgeoning entrepreneurs need to get together to discuss synergies or just share twitter tips for success they meet over coffee.  And over coffee may actually mean just a regular cup of coffee or perhaps iced-tea, and likely not a grande mocha or frozen coffee slurpee.  I see this as a good thing.  Good value.  Often better acoustics.  I welcome this transformation of the casual business meeting.