General Anxiety
There is no sympathy in our house. Mom, thank god dad and your kids are more sympathetic to you than Elliott and I are to each other. I remember one time Elliott had a stomach bug, I was sleeping soundly while he was in the bathroom throwing up, hitting the floor in disgust – disgust of his feelings and disgust of his girlfriend who wouldn’t get out of bed to fetch him a cool wash cloth. All I could think was could he stop making so much noise, at least one of us should get a good night sleep…Well fortunately we have grown a little more helpful to each other. Yesterday we had a nice day, packed some boxes, did laundry, and met with a painter to discuss sprucing up the house. We spent some time with the Goodwin’s, the youngest – Conner was playful as always, I got to feed him and make him laugh – always such a treat. We then went to Walden’s – my favorite. I enjoyed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a vanilla chai w/ soy. I couldn’t eat the whole sandwich so Elliott ate the other half, my appetitive has been pretty low, not sure why (perhaps the title of this blog provides an idea). Then Elliott continued to read Cradle to Cradle an interesting book discussing recycling and green design and the future of our planet and its inhabitants. The authors talk a lot about the chemicals and heavy metals that are built into our surroundings; its no wonder cancer is so common. I studied LEED, Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design. As I told mom Elliott and I studied for this test which is to become an accredited professional. The exam tests your understanding of the LEED rating system developed for environmentally friendly building design, Elliott passed first try, I didn’t – proof he is smarter than me – at least “book” smarter. Anyway determined to pass I have continued to study. Awhile after sitting in the sun and reading I started to feel cold, Elliott obliged and retrieved my sweat shirt from the car, he brought his as well which I draped over my legs. Eventually I was shivering – I couldn’t make it stop. Still feeling kind he got me a chamomile tea to heat me up, it didn’t help. We eventually left, I asked him to take the freeway to go home because that route goes by the hospital so if needed we could just swing by the ER. Still cold, with a headache, a little scared, and stubborn I didn’t want to go to the ER, but I have never felt like this before. We did go home, and I went straight to bed. I was awake for at least an hour or two, shivering. Then later I woke up sweating, Elliott did what I should have years ago when was sick and made me a cool cloth for my forehead. The rest of the night I think I was only hot – no more shivers.
At one point in the night Elliott looked on WebMD asking me “what are your symptoms again”. Cold, shivering, my joints hurt: back and neck, I feel tingly on my arms at times. One of the suggestions WebMD provided was general anxiety disorder another was syphilis – not sure which one I wanted more. General anxiety disorder more pissed me off then anything else, Elliott said it was reported to last 10-15 minutes, 2-3 hours into this feeling I wasn’t amused. This morning I feel better, still a little weird but better. I have scheduled a massage for this afternoon, I think that will help. Could it be stress? Maybe I should stop drinking coffee? Was it the margaritas I had last night? Maybe sun exposure? Perhaps my body is revolting from soy milk? And maybe it was just stress. I think I will take a break from studying LEED. Unfortunately I can’t take a break from moving that is happening this week – ready or not.
May 20th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Response to Teresa’s Blog Post, “General Anxietyâ€
I can’t believe you want to board the Anxiety Train. Others in the family already have the first class seats on that vehicle. Let’s think about what happened to you. Could it be stress? Hmmm, you’re moving next weekend away from your first house, first out-of-college job, and Elliott’s family; you’re taking on responsibility of Team Leader and opening the new office of your engineering company, studying for the Green thing, and your mother’s been diagnosed with cancer. Just think about what a nice day you were having when this strange illness came upon you. You played with Conner (don’t know how often you’ll get to see him anymore), and you had your favorite refreshments at Walden’s (Wonder if there’ll be anything like that nearby your new home in California). Not to mention, Elliott passed the test on the first trial, and you didn’t. I’m thinking stress…or possibly, even better, a 24 hour instant flu. By the way, didn’t you already give up coffee (more than once)? Margaritas, how could they hurt? Soy…the jury’s still out on that one. I think writing about your experience was a good thing to do. Heaven knows, getting my thoughts out of my head and onto my blog is helping me cope. I’m not sure that people’s actions are a lack of sympathy, as much as a lack of knowing what to do. Awhile ago, I was sitting at the computer, first working, then playing Hearts, Free Cell, and Solitaire. I have my Ipod set up there, and it was running through the sad part of Jay’s All Time Favorite Playlist. I’d already heard The Rose, Mariah Carey’s Hero (That Krista said she would want played at her funeral), and on came The Dance. I was already feeling sorry for myself because I was thinking about taking a shower, and I knew the water running on my chest was going to hurt. I was thinking about then getting dressed, and that was even worse. I’d have to put on that damn camisole thing I got at the Post-Mastectomy Boutique. Oh yeah, I got one, actually two, the other day. They’re ridiculous. You know how hot I am all the time? Well, these things are made of clingy Lycra or something like that, and they reach down below your waist. (It’s a hundred degrees outside, already.) Susan helped me fix it so I wouldn’t look lopsided. The problem is…I’m not young and perky, and gravity has taken its toll on certain parts of my body. The camisole is made so the inserts give you boobs almost up to your neck…believe me, that is not fitting for a woman my age. Anyway, Susan messed with them until they were sort of even, and I thought maybe it would be bearable to wear the thing. (But, not today) O.K., back to sympathy…having those negative thoughts and generally just feeling sorry for myself that something so natural (a shower and getting dressed) was making me depressed, The Dance put me over. Enter your father…me sobbing in front of the computer with head in hands, “What are you doing, passing out there?†Since he asked, I’ll just turn my tear-streaked face up to him and see if it looks like I’m passing out or perhaps crying. I know he’s sympathetic toward me…I know, as much as possible, he’s going through this with me…but does he know what to do to show sympathy? Not a chance! “Are you all right?†“No.†“Do you want me to stay or go to the store like I planned?†“Just go…†I solved my own problems. I didn’t take the shower. I got out an old, really stretched out bra and thought if I can get this on without hurting anything, I can stuff one side and feel more normal than I would in the camisole. It worked. I’m still kind of lopsided, but I feel a lot better. I promise once you make it through this week, things will be better. When you get your clothes hung up in your new closet and your dishes stacked away in the kitchen cupboards, things will be better. Then check the neighborhood for a place like Walden’s. You know, you always amazed me on my visits to Reno by taking me to the most wonderful little spots you’d found. I liked that coffee spot right down by the river, and Walden’s, and some other bakery place we went to, and the bread store, and the breakfast pancake place downtown, and then that sort-of throw back to the 50’s place that Elliott found for us all to go to breakfast. I can’t wait to come to visit you in your new home where you will have all those great little places scoped out. So, sympathy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s coming up with the right reaction to someone else’s plight…like the cool cloth. Do you think your dad will come home with a cool cloth, a flower, anything? No, me neither. But, he did call and say he’s getting his shock absorbers fixed in his car so he can drive me around (without me complaining about the pain when we go over speed bumps). Don’t get aboard that Anxiety Train; it will take you to places you don’t want to visit. You’ll be frightened, worried, sick, and eventually on medication. In the end, it’s really just mind over matter. Here is my advice. Make lists (you probably do, anyway), and cross things off as you get them done…fewer things on the list equals lowered anxiety. Always talk to Elliott and try hard to make him hear, even if he doesn’t understand. Continue to think of yourself as the strong person you’ve always been. Mostly, know that your move is a new and wonderful and bright beginning to all things good. If none of this works, call me.
Love,
Mom
May 21st, 2007 at 3:32 am
You can call me too. Of course, I will probably tell you one of my favorite zen stories that will most likely feature 2 monks traveling through the woods, drinking wine or sharing a cup of tea. Mom is completely right… you are going through major changes in your life and this is a natural way the body copes with stress (I’ve done a little bit of reading on the subject). You are strong woman and I’ve always looked up to you for that. You have done so many things that I only wish I could do. And that’s why I know you’ll get through all of this just fine and soon you’ll forget that awful feeling you had today. I love you and can’t wait to come visit you in the BAY.