teresa

Well it has been quite an entertaining week and half discussing my funk with family, friends, and anyone in the general public who would listen.  I will share with you here some of the ideas and suggestions I have received so far.  And as of yet I haven’t discussed it with Kathi, the first to reach out to try to break down my funk.  Sorry Kathi.  I wanted to call you tonight before my summary blog so I could compile everyone’s opinion.  Now we can discuss it given this new information!

My wonderful mom called and I discussed it with her.  I have to say I have the best mom in the world.  The best thing about my mom is she always has my back.  No matter what it is she is there for me with love, support and ideas.  It means a lot to know you always have your mom.  Mom and I talked about it at length at the height of my funk.  I don’t think I even had a chance to list all of the reasons why I deserved to be depressed and demotivated.  The number one take away I took from talking with mom was 1) don’t make any drastic decisions and 2) look to get involved in other things in the community, volunteer or whatever to fulfill my needs in other ways.

Then I think I talked with Krista.  I felt awful talking to Krista about my funk given that her new husband is fighting for our country in Afghanistan, so I get it my problems are relatively small.  One of things that has been bothering me is if Elliott and I ever did decide to start a family it is seemingly impossible. From a time perspective it seems impossible, I am guessing a baby is slightly more work than a potty trained 2 year old black lab mix who sleeps all day and can be left alone for 4 hours in his kennel.  And then financially it seems we will never be in a comfortable place to have a baby, especially now when we are making basically 1/2 of what we used to.  I know I used the word “never” because these are great funk words if you really want to keep yourself down and in the dumps.  Anyway Krista has her own baby making limitations right now given the other half of the equation isn’t in this country and she was pretty casual about the whole thing, so I figured, whatever, we aren’t ready right now and if or when we are we will figure it out, no need fabricated problems to worry about, so I let that one go for the time being.

Then I talked to Holly and a guy who “sells toilet paper for a living”  Dave who may or may not remember to read my blog after I shared it with him at a commercial real estate mixer.  Holly suggested reading the book Mojo, which I have since ordered.  She said the jest of it is to write down your goals and then look at how you spend your time and commit to either 1) remove those things not supporting your goals from your day, 2) delegate those things, or 3) realize that those things are necessary to get to your goal and suck it up.  When I asked her what her goals were she said she didn’t really follow that part but the rest helped her get out of her funk.  I actually have spent some time thinking about my goals, with my over arching mission being Fulfilled & Balanced and I have broken that down into several parts so this talk reminded me that perhaps I should refocus on what I want and driving towards that, this reminder really helped.  Dave and I talked at length about my funk, he heard a similar schpeel as mom did every reason in the book for my funk.  Dave I think was in the camp of make a big change, follow your gut, what do you what you think will make you happy, what do you have to lose.  My kind of guy, at least someone agrees with my idea of giving up everything and becoming a… fill in the blank… this week I think it is teacher.  The reason I spilled my guts to Dave was because he told me he was living the dream at which point I think I put my hands my hips and said dream huh, I would love to know what that is because I am in a funk.  Anyway Dave used to be in the Afghanistan and Iraq being shot at and now he has a good paying job, that sounds pretty low stress, and he lives in SF which he claims is one of the greatest places in the world, I don’t know I think Oakland is pretty cool, and he said he is happy.

Then…. I had lunch with Heidi, the president and owner of a law firm I know from one of the groups I am in.  She recommended another book: When Work Doesn’t Work Anymore which I also ordered and we talked about why women define themselves by their work.  She also said though that in order to run a business it is imperative to love what you do and so she thought it was important to be mindful of these signs.  She was also in the camp of not making any rash decisions and she also shared with me the name of her psychiatrist in case I wanted to talk to someone.     Now I fully hope no one is being judgmental at this moment, are you?  Are you?  Don’t do it.  Being a business owner with your husband is a really lonely place and its easy to get lost in your head with the stress, fears, doubts and uncertainties, so this is an outlet that I may consider, but for now I am just sitting on her contact info.

Jen and I also talked about funks, and I mostly got to tell my bursting in public tears story which felt good because I hadn’t got to tell anyone yet about how or why this happened.  She is in a funk too, so it was really helpful to know that many other people are going through a rough patch now, I think its something in the air, the economy has been tough on a lot of people, there are not many jobs out there so I think there is this feeling among a lot of people of being stuck in your current job and I think this leads to funks.

Lastly I had some email correspondence with one of my old bosses, Chris.  Chris emailed me on a whim for nothing special and he said the age old email closer, “Hope all is well with you”.  I use that one a lot too.  Well I couldn’t in my heart of hearts write back “Everything’s great, hope everything is great with you too”.  So as I have been doing in the last week and a half I said things are ok, in a bit of a funk but working on it.  So Chris and I had some email correspondence, because he is the kind of guy that didn’t just let that go.  Chris also recommended that I get my priorities straight.  He shared with me his: “1) God 2) wife 3) kids 4) other relationships … work is mixed in somewhere later with all the other stuff”.  Oh I didn’t mention that Krista also hinted that she has been working on going to church and getting confirmed and she said that going to church has helped her a lot.  Well I feel so bad because I know this is a sore spot for any family or friends who know that my religious status is agnostic which I continually have to explain doesn’t mean I am an atheist like someone I know but I am just not sure what, who, or how we all got here.  And given Chris’ priority list I can’t help but wonder how he balances this.  If God is #1 how do you work for 8+ hours a day designing buildings?  Shouldn’t he work for a church or be on a mission or something?  I think this is where I get confused how do you balance these priorities and goals and things?  How does how you spend a majority of your day not fall into #1, 2 or 3?  Well anyway I haven’t figured this out yet but am hoping one of the books I ordered will shed some light on the topic.  What I did decide was I can’t afford to let work get me down in every other aspect of my life.  So I am genuinely better today.  Not cured.  But on my way towards better days.  And funny Elliott has now stepped up as the grumpous.  We often joke that if both of are ever in a good mood at the same time the world may end.  Not sure what it is but we seem to balance each other out for good or bad.

Ok so here is my question to my blog friends who may have skipped their way through to this point or may have actually read all of my long winded craziness.  What is your priority list?  And if you want to expand on that does it match how you spend your resources?  Elliott and I will be working on this as well.

I hate naming it but I am going to say it out loud, I am in a funk.  Just saying makes me feel a little better.  This happens ever so often. I am not quite sure the frequency, although its probably every 4 or so years.  This one has been particularly bad although I think I have thought that about the other ones as well.  In the past I have responded by shaking things up.  Maybe resigning from a few of my extracurriculars or hitting the reset button wherever I can.

I wish I could name why the slumps happen.  Although given the recent changes in our lives I suppose its not entirely surprising that I am not perfectly peachy.  I heard a presentation recently on change and the speaker called the average change experience a J curve.  Where you start at the left end of the J and then you go down hill learning and adjusting to this new thing before you break thru to the power and wonder of the new thing on the upper end of the J.  I can only hope I am at the bottom of the trough.

This slump most recently culminated in a crying spree that was unfortunately witnessed by my husband, mom, dad and oldest sister.  One of my finer moments  Unfortunately that was weeks ago and I have since made no progress at improving the situation.  Yesterday my first attempt at change was to workout (push ups, wall squats, and the plank) something I have done off and on recently although not very well or consistently.  That helped a little I think.  I am also going to remove coffee from my diet, again.  I thought I could handle it but I think it makes me crazy.  The other day before I knew it after eating lunch, a good full balanced meal, I then ate the equivalent of another meal using things like chocolate, almond butter, fruit and nut bars and even then to top it off a Clif Bar.  I know that sounds silly but having lost weight on the 28 day, Paleo eating plan, to then eating a pile of junk food, to put on weight and see my thin pants get tight, its demotivating, makes me feel bloated, grose, and out of control, instead I feel like chocolate controls me.  I think that has been one of the changes that has been hard.  We basically stripped out from our lives pleasure from food.  And while we have talked about it and thought about it I don’t think we have resolved adding that pleasure back in in other places.  So some days I think maybe I should just go back to being my old weight, which wasn’t that bad, took less work to plan good meals, I could eat out more, and “enjoy” foods and drinks.  The sad thing is Elliott and I have our budget so locked down I don’t think I could afford to go buy back all new clothes, so I feel stuck.

What else is bothering me.  Well I feel a little trapped by this great company we have started.  I know that is horrible and awful to say but its true.  Some days it is wonderful and affords us a great deal of flexibility and freedom, and for that I am generally grateful.  Although other days it sucks.  The work is not always very hard, stimulating or gratifying but yet we have to keep doing it to keep making money because there are no other jobs out there right now so love the one you have.  Well that doesn’t always work.  Its also incredibly stressful to have removed the middle man.  Before if I wanted a raise or was unhappy there was this guy standing between me and the other guy I could talk to and put my problems on. Now there is no guy its just us and our client, which by the way we are still working for “the man” our man just moved from our “boss” to our client.  Anyway now I have no leverage, I want a raise… well look at the accounting and see if you can pay yourself more.  The work is not gratifying… well go out and get more gratifying work or love the one you have.  Its empowering and demotivating all in the same.

To top it all off working with your husband makes everything harder.  So when either of us is in a professional slump it becomes a personal slump and our marriage has begun to feel and look like a stereotypical marriage to me, in plane words the honeymoon is over.  The real tough world has set in and its not all roses anymore.  And that makes me sad.  Yet I am at loss for how to get that back.

So the other night I decided I am going to make a change.  Some change for the better.  I am going to shake things up.  I am not quite sure what that will entail but I hope that it will be fun, exciting, and renewing.

We picked Shiloh up I believe it was exactly two weeks ago today.  As I have said to a few people he is our first dog either Elliott or I has had as adults.  It wasn’t a decision we took lightly and given our housing situation (no yard) we almost gave up on getting a dog.  I am really glad we didn’t.

Shiloh is a about 2 year old, they think, black labrador retriever and chow mix.  He was rescued from Tehachapi where we have been told he was the town dog.  We have driven through Tehachapi, we stopped and had lunch there on one of our driving trips to Las Vegas.  We really liked that area its beautiful country in the mountains and is high desert.  We are not sure much of the rest of his history although we have tried to guess where some of his funny habits might have come from.  He is a gorgeous dog.  I don’t think he looks much like a chow although his face is rounder than a labs and he does have the Kulesza family eye brow anxienty wrinkle to match his mommy’s (note I am mommy and Elliott is daddy, in case that wasn’t obvious).  From what we have heard a woman in Tehachapi was worried about him, I presume because of him living on the streets and perhaps the danger of cars so he was sent to the pound, they shipped him up here and a lady we were communicating with about adopting a dog recommended him to us.

We met him first to see if we thought he would be a good fit.  He was being boarded by a sweet lady who lives in Petaluma about 45 miles north of us.  There were lots of other dogs there.  When we arrived many of them started barking, Shiloh on the other hand never made a peep.  He ran around a little crazy like for a few minutes seemingly taunting the other dogs that he was out and we took him for a walk so we could see his temperament away from the other barking boarders.  We walked him for quite a bit.  Talked about it at length and decided he was great.  At one point I asked him to “sit” which he didn’t do and I decided we would have our work cut out for us.  We told the lady we needed to get our things in order and we would pick him up in a few days which we did.

We bought him a crate, a pretty nice plush bed, food, bowls, treats and toys.  We were prepared for the investment.  When we picked him up we knew he didn’t like cars to the three of us, the nice land, Elliott and I all coaxed him into the car.  He immediately started drooling profusely and  I felt regret well up as I pictured our concrete floors sloppy with drool from this dog we had just adopted, what did we do.  It turns out he only drools in the car, thank goodness.  More on the car later.

He was great when we got him home.  He was a little tentative about the stairs, actually I think he still is but he has gotten used to them.  We took him for several walks and we started mentally logging his ones and twos so we would know when he needed to go on walks.  They say dogs should go out within 30 mins of feeding and we feed him twice morning and night.  We also take him for an afternoon potty break as well which seems to work well.

I think the first day he checked out his crate all on his own.  We were really surprised.  So after a few times of him going in it we closed the door like we read on the internet.  He didn’t care, no whining.  So then after another few more times we closed the door and left the house with him locked in it.  They say not to make a big deal about leaving or coming home so we didn’t we just walked out nonchalantly like no big deal as our hearts broke when we got outside, we didn’t want him to feel unloved.  Amazingly this worked with no whining and no problems.  The first few nights he slept in the crate for some of the night.  Then a few nights after he first joined us he was up in the middle of the night, walking around, upstairs, downstairs, making a big raucous, it was awful.  Ever since then he sleeps in the crate with the door closed!  That has worked pretty well.  So now if we both need or want to leave we point in the crate and say “kennel”.  He goes in somewhat unexcitelyd.  We say “good boy!” and then we go like its no big deal.

Interestingly it turns out he does know “sit”.  Which he will do for a treat, or if you hold a ball long enough during a fetching session, for his food, or when instructed although it sometimes takes two or three times.  He has learned to sit when we put his leash on.  Sometimes he will sit waiting to cross the street at a red light.  We make him sit when he goes crazy trying to chase birds and squirrels, so today when Elliott was trying to calm him down with out even a request for a sit he sat anyway, which elicited another “good boy!”

We have had only two accidents in the house, only number 1, and both preceded by obvious signs requesting to go out and we just didn’t react fast enough.

He goes well on walks and doesn’t mark every bush along the way which is good although lately he has been more into marking his territory which we are not a big fan of.  We work hard to always walk him by some good grassy areas.  We do live in a downtown area although there are still quite a few landscaped areas and a neighborhood park.  Although sometimes we will take him for a walk that includes a destination for us, perhaps a coffee shop or grocery store.  This has resulted in a few so far sidewalk poopings.  This has been an unfortunate experience each time.  The first time it happened he did it right in front of the Courtyard Marriott and the bellman standing at the door.  Elliott and I apologized and explained this had ever happened before.  We continued walking, we made a couple stops and then on the way back home as we passed the Marriott Elliott was preparing to joke with the same bellman that we had brought our dog back and then he did it again, pooped on the sidewalk in front of the Marriott, double embarrassing.  We do not respond to this behavior with our common “good boy!” although what are going to do with a dog who lives in downtown, if he has to go, he has to go.  Fortunately I think his stomach is now calmed down, used to his food and walking schedule so I think those instances will be less common.

We are working to know the right way to train him, we are in pursuit of a dog training class although we haven’t managed to get it scheduled yet.  Meanwhile the most entertaining part has been Elliott’s attempt to use the right voice.  So far he has adapted an angry voice which somehow doesn’t come out nearly as naturally as mine does.  And he has also learned that sometimes a good high pitched voice is needed to inspire excitement and motivation so Elliott tries to mimic my tone which is really entertaining.

During our first weekend we did take him for a pretty good hike.  It ended up being about 6 miles, not very hilly, although a little hot.  A little more than halfway through our lazy dog started to lay down in the shade and not continue on.  We gave him lots of water, he continued to pee (so no dehydration at least I think) but he was acting like he couldn’t go another step.  He would lay down and drink the water and we would dig in and make us drag him if we asked him to come.  It was painfully awful.  Elliott’s friend Brad was there.  We stopped often to let him cool down and drink water until we realized that at that pace we would never get back.  So eventually we learned we had to run through the shaded areas with him saying “come on Shiloh, come on Shiloh, good boy, come on…” it was awful.  If it was his first day at boot camp I think he would have been kicked out. Apparently he is not a big hiker, we are going to have to work on that and his endurance.

The other issue has been the car.  He hates the car.  Early on we tried to teach him that the car went to fun places like the dog park.  But leaving the dog park we would lay down in the parking lot and not get near the back of the car.  We would have to lift up his front paws and put them in the car and then lift up his rear legs to boost him into the car.  It was embarrassing and ridiculous.  The pinnacle though was when we took him for a ride too close to having had dinner and he threw up twice in the car including once on his bed.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was by myself and it was the night of the “Oakland riots” so I didn’t want to stop so I kept driving, he stood up hovering over his throw up the entire way home.  Since then we are now on a slow progression plan to learn that the car is a good place to get him over his anxiety of the car.

Ok last story, 4th of July.  Elliott went to see the fireworks in the city with his friend.  I fed Shiloh and took him for kind of  late after dinner walk.  We went down a couple of blocks and someone set off a load firework of some sort, Shiloh bolted, the leash pulled tight and tried to run I don’t know where.  I calmed him down and he stopped running.  I realized I would need to get him home and it was good because he had already done his business.  We turned the corner to go home and another firework nearby went off.  That was it, Shiloh attempted to sprint the entire way home.  I restrained as best I could in my flip flops although he pulled me basically the entire way home, he turned the corner to our street and then sniffed every entrance door and I had to coax him onward to our door.  I opened the door, he ran upstairs and laid down behind the loft wall for the rest of the night.  I consoled him as best I could but it was really one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

Ok final final story, this one is from tonight.  We bought him a long leash so we could work on training and its nice because we can take him to the park and he can run around and we don’t have to worry about him running into the street.  Also we determined that he loves the soccer ball so he will chase after the ball, pick it up in his mouth and its hilarious.  So tonight we were playing with him when he had to do a number 2.  Elliott picked it up, handed the leash to me and said I will be right back I am going to throw this away.  Elliott proceeded to run across the park.  Shortly thereafter Shiloh took off in a dead sprint after Elliott with me holding the leash.  I knew he would reach the end of the leash so I yelled at him Shiloh and before I knew what happened he reached the end of the leash and I became air born, I hit the ground and then slid another few inches.  The shear momentum of his 60 pounds was amazing.  I rolled over on my back and tried to catch my breath.  Both Elliott and Shiloh ran to my assistance.  Elliott, smartly controlled his laughter and I think was surprised to see me so shook up.  I wasn’t really hurt although I do think I will have a few bruises I was more a mix of startled and embarrassed.  Later when I could laugh about it Elliott got a good chuckle out about it and he told me that Shiloh and an equally violent reaction on his end of the leash.  Elliott said I should have started running or let go of the leash, all great ideas I agree.  I think Shiloh forgave me and hopefully he learned not to do that, although I highly doubt it.

That’s it for now.  I wanted to document some of our dog stories to date.  We are so happy we got a dog.  We have gotten a lot of great walking and playing in because of it and he really does lighten our day.

“Food is nutrition”.  That is what I have been telling myself a lot lately, and it is working.  It doesn’t always work on the first cookie although it works without fail every time when I say it before reaching for the second cookie.  It also works at the coffee shop.  We have been taking some, although many fewer than we used, coffee breaks to get a decaf coffee and a walk about.  As I gaze at the pastry delights I remind myself that I ate recently, I will eat again, and that food is nutrition.

The thing I haven’t figured out yet though is how far to take that.  Most of the things I read are pretty clear that “cheat” days are ok.  And that some “cheat” days actually make generally for more success, because all out binges become less likely, and you don’t feel completely deprived.  So when we celebrated Elliott’s birthday I selected an entree that was a great pick, and then we ordered dessert.  So how dessert fall into, Food is nutrition?  If food is nutrition, and chocolate molten cake is food, how do I rectify that?  To expand my food is nutrition, this actually came to me after consuming a large unnecessary muffin of some sort, the details are not important.  I wasn’t really hungry.  I didn’t even feel great after the muffin.  But at the moment I wanted it.  Dwelling on that decision I wrote in my notebook, Food is nutrition.  It feeds my body and my mind.  So does chocolate molten cake then really need to be part of my life?    I mean ideally I would much rather “celebrate” something with something that is all out good for me, like a sunrise hike, or some time on the bay perhaps in a boat.  Why is it we “treat” ourselves with food?  And is it possible or necessary to give up or re-wire these “treats” in order to truly understand that Food is nutrition?  I don’t know.

What is has led to though is we have given up drinking alcohol.  That has been completely non interesting from our own little world of just the two of us because we don’t really drink that often.  Although for some reason alcohol seems to be the pinnacle around many social situations.  I can’t tell you how many times people have referenced having us over for a drink, or going out for a drink, since we started our hiatus on June 15.  Its been uncanny.  Most people do not understand giving up drinking.  I am not sure we totally do, although we pinky swore on it so we are sticking with it.  Here is the thing, most people don’t think alcohol is all that bad for you.  In fact there are many studies saying some small amount of red wine and even beer, I think even daily, may be good for you.  However, consistently I make bad decisions after drinking.  Rather they be eating decisions, dancing on tables decisions, or driving decisions, they are all less than smart.  And I don’t feel good the next day.  So why do I do that to myself?  To facilitate increased social experiences?

So here is my question to myself.  How do I merge Food is nutrition with enjoying life and our culture that is built around food and alcohol as a centerpiece for social interaction and celebration?  I will let you know what I figure out on my journey to fuel my body, my mind, and beyond!

Elliott and I are working on bring in more exercise to our recent lifestyle changes.  Our goal is to lift weights 3 times a week, plus at least one abs workout, we use the P90X ab ripper video because we like it in a sort of sick way and then we are going to sprint once a week.  The sprints idea is coming from a new book, at least new to us, The Primal Blueprint.  He suggests, as do many other nutrition and exercise experts we have researched lately, to do quick bursts for exercise.

In this case we are actually sprinting for the bursts because it is amazing simple and as it turns out amazingly hard.  We went to a park with a large open field.  We did wear our five fingers because we don’t do anything half way and the Primal author thinks they are the bees knees.  We warmed up by jogging for a few minutes.  Then we did 8 sets of all out sprint for 20 seconds followed by 10 seconds of rest.  So the hard part was done in 4 minutes.  Pretty quick for a workout huh.  It was hard.  Really hard.  Our lungs were burning by the end.  It was fun and rewarding.  We are looking forward to doing more of these.  For more info about sprints and for a video visit: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/what-are-tabata-sprints/